Valentine’s Day is usually a big deal at our house. I have always loved Valentine’s Day–the colors, hearts, chocolate, romance. . . . What’s not to like?
At the beginning of our marriage, I think my attitude was typical. Though I loved doing something special for my husband, the real excitement was: What was he going to do for me?
The first couple of Valentine’s Days came and went and, though we did do something to celebrate, the dates we went on didn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary. So one year before we had kids I asked if I could plan Valentine’s Day. I spent days planning, and I worked hard all day until Jason got home. I prepared a romantic meal for us and then had an evening planned full of games and surprises for him. It was so much fun.
Honestly, it took years for me to realize how selfish it was of me to be, at times, unhappy with his efforts in celebrations. I was inclined to believe that if he didn’t do certain things or behave a certain way, then he didn’t REALLY love me. My focus was wrong. The real question should have been, “What does my love for him look like?” And when I compared it to I Corinthians 13, it was I who needed the work. So I set out on a deliberate road to find my contentment in the Lord, to let go of all those expectations, and to be happy with whatever he did do and not be unhappy for what I found lacking. Let me just tell you, this has been so freeing for both of us!
So while my husband doesn’t really enjoy planning and preparing for Valentine’s Day, I love it. It is a way for me to show God’s love to my family. The activities, treats, and meals are things I can do for them to show them how special they are to me. Taking the focus off of myself and placing it on what I can do for others–that’s God’s way, and it brings real joy.
Does all this mean that I don’t ever struggle with wishing my husband would do things for me? I wish I could say yes, but it is something I still have to battle with.
Does this mean that he’s off the hook? No, it certainly doesn’t. What? You may ask. The thing is, for me to be working on being selfless does not give him the license to live selfishly. He is responsible to God for loving his wife–that would be me! (Now, if you’ve read my blog before, you know that Jason has done lots of special things for me!) But if my focus is right, then even if my husband were to live selfishly, I could still be content and joyfully do things for him. And let me also insert here that it’s not just women that have expectations on Valentine’s Day.
So if you are not a big fan of Valentine’s Day or always feel disappointed, my advice is, don’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Use it as an opportunity to show love for others without expecting anything in return. The joy you find may just surprise you!
I think most men are like Jason. Maybe that’s why they started Valentine’s Day–to remind them to do something romantic! Actually I feel more like Jason than like you about it. When someone else plans the party I enjoy it, though. You have written a lot about expectations. When we learn to really appreciate who the other person is, just like he or she is, we are so much happier.
haha! I was just struggling with this, this morning. Not because of Valentines day – but EVERYDAY! I know my husband loves me but he is far from romantic! We just have different love languages 🙂 He thinks if he is providing things I want materially its showing love – I am more affectionate. ahhh- the joys of marriage! Thanks for reminding me of Gods guidelines for love. If I look at 1 Corth 13 I realize my hubby does love me in those ways – especially with patience! 🙂
You make so many really good points. If nothing else, Valentine’s is the perfect excuse to remind your partner of all the reasons you love them.
I also love Valentine’s Day with all of the pink and hearts and surprises. I appreciate your thoughts and am now even more excited to do some special things with the kids and for my hubby. I need to work on my attitude and serving in this way will help in that process. Thanks for sharing, Esther! Hope you are staying warmer in Texas than we are in NE. We are supposed to get above freezing today though. I might pull out the shorts! Ok, maybe not quite yet.
Have you read the Five Love Languages? Sounds like you and your husband have different ones, I think most couples do. At least you recognize it. Like you said. I bet that is very freeing.
What a beautiful perspective. I think I was like you in the beginning and some how felt something was lacking. It took some growth and maturity on my part to make sure it was a day I wanted it to be…though, this year, I would like nothing more than a maid for a day to help clean out some bathrooms! LOL…Romantic, right?
Wow! This post is extremely convicting. Thanks for sharing.
Great post! I think you cleared up some misconceptions.
This is a wonderful post! My hubby and I have different views on Valentine’s Day. Both deserving merit, just different. I love the idea of showing THEM how much you love them than expecting everything FROM them. Awesome post Esther!
I completely agree with your motivation, to share God’s love with the people around us. I’m not much into Valentine’s Day–or any other holiday, really–but my husband is an awesome gift-giver. He’ll tell me that he has no ideas, and then he’ll hand me something that’s incredibly thoughtful and sweet. So he inspires me to keep trying. 🙂
My husband usually gets me flowers for Valentine’s Day. I don’t really need them. One year I told him if you are going to spend that much, let me get something I can use! So I got a purse. I’d prefer to not bother with anything for Valentine’s Day at all. OUR birthday (yes, same birthday) is 5 days later.
I love that you make it a family affair! Showing love to your family and not just a romantic day for you and your husband.
Love this post! Cute picture of you too!
I think I grew up dreaming of the days of being adult with a husband and having a big grand romantic gesture on Valentine’s Day. Now that I’m a grown up, I find that I don’t really care that much. Maybe it’s because within 6 or 7 weeks time we have Christmas, my birthday, our anniversary and Valentine’s Day. I think it’s just too much stress and pressure. I know we don’t have the $$ for a grand gesture. I’d more content if my Hubby would empty the dishwasher for me or brush the kids teeth at bedtime, things that I HATE to do – OR CLEAN THE KITCHEN!!! The most romantic thing he could do for me would be to write me a love letter – won’t EVER happen though. I am nothing if not realistic. While I would LOVE a romantic evening alone with my Hubby, the reality is that we will probably sit at home, have dinner and watch TV and maybe the kids and hubby will get a special treat, heart shaped brownies or something. That’s enough for me. Gosh, I wrote a book, huh?
I love this article! It is all about learning to read how they feel comfortable expressing love for us. I am blessed with a wonderfully romantic husband. We don’t do flowers and stuff like that…(allergies!)…but he is taking me out on a surprise date tomorrow while we have access to a babysitter! I am so excited! We have little ones and don’t get out by ourselves much. But he loves to do little things for me…like emptying and loading the dishwasher…letting me sleep when the kids get up in the night…buying my favorite chocolate when he is out running errands as a gift just because…and then there’s dancing with me in the kitchen.
I was married previously and I had to do all of the planning. I am really in awe that he is excited about doing something special for me! We got married last April so this is our first married Valentine’s Day. He told me he didn’t do well with holiday gifts and such while we were courting…we talked about it a lot and realized that no one had ever been open and honest about what kinds of things they like to receive…he had to guess and that wasn’t a successful thing for him. so I am very honest and clear about what things I would love to have as gifts…nothing expensive though…its the thought that counts. Now he’s much more comfortable. Sorry to be so long winded! Love this post!!!
Building Home with Him,
Mary Joy
AWESOME post!! I was actually thinking about this today. 🙂 My husband is not particularly romantic, nor is he a very good planner. At the beginning of our marriage (and while we were dating!) I put some high expectations on what I thought Valentine’s Day should be like. Nowadays, I do my best to find little ways to show my family that I love them, and not worry about creating a big show, or expecting too much. Much easier!!
Thanks so much for joining my Weekend Bloggy Reading party. 🙂 Have fun finding some great new reads! 🙂
I gave up on my expectations for Valentine’s Day after the first year of being married (come to think of it, even the couple of years we were dating weren’t anything to write home about). Valentine’s is a low key family thing around here…hubby and I give each other cards, I get little gifts for the kids, and maybe make a special dessert. That’s how we like it.
Great post!
Maybe it’s my age — or my husband’s occupation as an iron worker — but as long as he comes home safely, Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, whatever… I’m content.
I found you! You left a comment on my blog telling me you were born just outside of GDL. I’m super curious to know at what age did you move to the States and do you speak Spanish.
I love Valentine’s Day and so do my girls. My husband thinks I’m a little nuts for all the things I do, but at the same time, he enjoys seeing how much our girls like it.
Very true. The joy is receiving but its best you show love without expecting any in return to avoid disappointment, i believe God will show it in return if earthly people don’t. Happy Valentine’s day!
Lovely advice for all the married ladies out there, especially the young ones! I hope they profit from all God has shown you. Blessings!
This must be the post that you were referring to in your comment. It takes a mature woman to realize that giving is what it’s all about. Great post! (It’s more balanced than mine…)
I love this and it is so true! Sometimes it is hard to give in that completely unselfish way! What a great, honest, & transparent post!