“What do I say?” It’s always our first thought when contacting a friend who has experienced a loss isn’t it? After experiencing the loss of three babies my first at 12 weeks via D&C , second at 11 weeks via miscarriage, and then another baby in heaven after carrying 12 weeks. I wanted to share from my experience what things were and weren’t helpful.
Words to show you care. Honestly, it’s the knowing someone cares that means so much, not the specific words they use. But do say something! In person, don’t make the person who is hurting have to make YOU feel better! 🙂 I’ve seen this happen at funerals.
In writing, I appreciated the comments I received. Every. Single. One. It didn’t matter how original, just that someone cared. The most common phrases people used were: “I’m sorry for your loss,” or ” I’m so sorry.” I think they are perfectly acceptable. I especially appreciated those that said they were praying for me, and I hoped that in fact they were! 🙂
Putting words to action. During these times I experienced the loss of a baby, I had some people in my life who took caring to the next level. They also did something. I didn’t expect help, nor do I think anyone should have done more. But I greatly appreciated those acts of kindness. One friend called and said, “Please let me keep your children for an evening so you can spend some time with your husband.” This was after our first child we lost, and we felt much more devastated. After four healthy pregnancies and births, we were blindsided with the news. I cherish that one evening my friend gave us alone.
If you feel led to take someone a meal, take it too them. Don’t ask them if they need it. As long as I can walk and talk, I figure I can fix my family a sandwich. I would feel guilty telling someone I “needed” them to bring me a meal if I was still able. But I greatly appreciated everyone that did help us in this way.
Realize everyone’s experience isn’t the same. Talking about your own loss to let someone know you understand can be helpful. Letting someone know they are not alone is good. But if your friend is really grieving, and you went through a similar situation much less affected, that is not the time to tell them how spiritual you are that you didn’t take it so hard. For us, all three losses were sad, but the second and third were much easier to go through since we were at least somewhat prepared for the possibility. Emotionally, I was as ready I as could have been to hear the news when I went into the doctor’s office. I was praying when I went in, and I felt like I was carried through the whole thing. The shock factor is just harder to process. Think of it as the difference between the sudden death of a family member versus the death of a family member who has suffered an ongoing illness and declined slowly. The second is still sad, but in grieving it helps that you are somewhat prepared for the loss. At least that’s how it was for me. People process grief at different rates and in different ways and the last thing someone needs right then is condemnation for her grief.
Don’t tell her it’s wrong to have mixed feelings in a future pregnancy. Experience is a teacher. It would be impossible not to think about the possibility of losing the next one. When I was pregnant with Bobby, aftr my first loss, I went to each one of those early prenatal visits thinking the doctor might not see a heart beat. Thankfully, every time there was one. The longer I carried him the more I came to believe that I would actually be bringing my baby home. I felt the same way with this last pregnancy. I didn’t want to get too excited until I knew I was bringing him home, and this time the baby didn’t make it. Now, I’m excited to meet him in heaven someday!
I pray that my experience may help you in comforting your loved ones in their time of need. May God be praised!
So good! I’m so glad you wrote this. I lost a baby last year and am pregnant again and feeling very mixed. I think my friends and family have a harder time dealing with the mixed feelings than the loss. I “should” be 100% excited but you know how that goes. Thanks so much for sharing:)
Good suggestions for what to say (and not to say)to anyone who has experienced a loss. I would say also that the person who is grieving should not be too critical of people who say exactly the wrong thing. It’s really hard to know what to say or do. But I agree about people that take that opportunity to tell you they know all about it and your attitude is wrong. The main thing, like you said, is to show you care.
What NOT to say is just as important. One of my close friends recently went through a miscarriage and was devastated. Some of the things people said to her infuriated me. Who would say those things to my precious, hurting friend??? I wish I could put her in a bubble where she could only experience joy when she gets pregnant again because I know those people will probably say more ridiculous things to her. I think we’re often too eager to say too much. Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” and a sincere hug is all that’s needed.
I have lost a child before he was able to take his first breath and I know that pain. I learned so much about how people work as my husband and I walked through that time. I know what I say now is so much better than what I said before I experienced it, and that taught me something as a woman walking through the pain of losing a child. I had to extend a lot of grace to others who said the wrong things but honestly weren’t meaning to hurt me. They wanted to say something and ended up stepping all over themselves by putting their foot in their mouth. I heard, “well, at least you are young and can try again”, “there was probably something wrong with it so at least it wasn’t born in pain”, “at least it was early so you didn’t get attached to it”. I know these women that said this honestly thought they were helping. I knew them well enough before this event to know they didn’t mean harm. But these comments hurt. I wanted to yell, “I know I can try again. But I want this baby too.”, “it wasn’t too early for me to see him move and hear his heartbeat. It is far too early for me to lose him. I wanted to grow to know who he was.” “I don’t care if something wasn’t perfect with him according to the world. He was perfect in God’s eyes, and in mine.” or “I was attached the second I saw that positive pregnancy test. I loved him as soon as I knew he existed.”
I learned so much about grace during that time as I had to show it to them as I was walking through so much pain. God really used that time to speak to me, teach me, love me, and show me grace as I didn’t feel like showing it to others. Sigh. I hope it taught me how to love on my friends who walk through something similar and I hope it taught me to love and show grace even when I feel like I have a right to wallow in my pain, my justified pain.
I absolutely agree that we need to show grace to those who say hurtful things whether or not they meant to be hurtful! And thank you for adding some of these things people say that are hurtful! Another well meaning thing I heard a lot of is, “Do you know what you did that caused the miscarriage?” Don’t assume the mother did something that killed her baby! Over 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and it doesn’t mean the mother did something to “cause” it.
Melissa – I agree, knowing when to stop talking is very important.
When I had a miscarriage, my parents and my sister came to visit the weekend after. We didn’t talk a lot about the miscarriage, but just knowing that they cared enough to make a three-hour trip to come see me and support me was so meaningful. My mom brought a casserole, which like you, I never would have asked for, but it was so nice to have, because I was so depressed. I didn’t feel like cooking. We had a lot of sandwiches and convenience foods over the next few weeks.
YES! We ate so much take out during those weeks!
I lost a baby because of an ectopic pregnancy, it was all very sudden, I didn’t even know I was pregnant and then suddenly I had to have emergency procedures, it happened so fast. I still mourned but mostly alone because it was sudden not very many people knew what happened and I felt dumb about bringing it up after the fact especially since nobody knew I was pregnant. I also felt like people would think I was ridiculous for being so so heartbroken when I only knew about the pregnancy for just a short time and then it was over. Saying things like “at least it was early” or “it’s good you didn’t know about it for very long” doesn’t help. Nobody can tell you how long you should and shouldn’t mourn and it doesn’t matter how many weeks pregnant you were or how long you knew about the pregnancy, it’s still painful.
I just want to add that I really was not offended with anything anyone said to me. I think everyone was kind or at least intended to be kind! I just know people always struggle with what to say so I wanted to just put out there from the perspective of someone who has been there what I did and didn’t find helpful. Ya know?
This is a terrific post! Thanks so much for sharing with us! Have a great week!
Esther, it’s very thoughtful of you to post this advice which has specific examples, so that people can learn how to be more sensitive. Thanks for being so open during what is a painful and difficult time for you.
When I was little I was taught that everything we do and everything we say should meet the litmus test of “Will the world be a better place after I say or do this?” Your blog — not just this post but the whole blog — meets this criteria and for that you should be praised.
I had to have an emergency D&C last night. According to my doctor my miscarriage “went bad” and I started “bleeding out”. My friends have been SO supportive. My Husband and kids have been fabulous! My family, not so much. No one has even bothered to call and just say hi today 🙁
Sometimes the best thing someone can say is “Is there anything you need done?” And also just giving you a hug. A hug is worth a thousand words when you are grieving the loss of a child. At least in my opinion.
I’m sorry for you loss. My friend K. found out she had lost her baby two days after I had. It’s been a blessing to have someone close to walk this path with.
@Melanie, Those are just the sweetest words. You made my day! Hugs!
@Dee Oh I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m so glad you have very supportive friends and someone who understands walking with you. Sometimes those closest to us don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything. Praying for you!
Esther, I’m very sorry you have lost two children. I’m so glad you wrote this. It’s so important.
I was a psychologist who had had three children when I had a miscarriage. I thought I would be fine, but I wasn’t. The hormonal adjustment was the worst. Even though I thought I was fine, my body wasn’t fine.
The experience was so much more painful because of how people reacted. People told me that God was spacing my children better and about women who had it much worse, losing babies further into the pregnancy. My friends assumed that because I was a psychologist, I could handle it on my own, so they didn’t mention it.
My own bad experience made me realize that I hadn’t responded well to a friend’s miscarriage, so I called and apologized. I also wrote a booklet about miscarriage. God never wastes our pain! I’m so thankful for that.
Praying for you during this time.
This is so helpful. A close friend of mine miscarried this past fall, and I was kind of at a loss for how to “be there” for her. So glad I found you at RachelWojo’s today!
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your babies. I think the most comforting thought for me was that I will see my baby again. That may not help others, but in my case it did. Our church family brought in meals each evening and that was such a big blessing. I felt surrounded by people sharing my pain. Another thing was asking specific questions instead of “Can I do anything to help?” Like, “I’m taking the kids to the park. Can I stop and pick up Melanie?” or “Can I teach your Children’s Church class?”
I have a hard time knowing what to say or do during hard times and specifically with the loss of a baby. Thank you for sharing.
Visiting from Time Warp Wife
Beautiful thoughts and something that many more people need to know! Thank you for sharing.
Excellent advice. I think most folks want to help but don’t want to get in the way.
Popping in from Oh, Mrs. Tucker!
I had a miscarriage with my first child at 11 weeks along. Your advice is really something that would help people know what to do/say. I felt very supported, but also some people avoided bringing it up, or talking about it, because I felt like they didn’t know what to do or say. This is great advice!
Thank you for this. I admit, I’m usually at a loss for what to say in these situations, other than telling someone I’m sorry for their loss.
Love this! A new Linking Party begins THIS Saturday over at Thet2women.com and we would love if you would link this up there on Sat! Thanks! Here’s the link:
http://thet2women.com/welcome-to-one-sharendipity-place/
Esther, thank you so much for this helpful advice.
You’re very welcome! 🙂