It was twelve weeks that I carried our baby, but I know he or she did not live that long. I had mixed feelings when I found out I was pregnant, excited about another little Irish baby running around, but from experience knowing I might never get to meet the little life growing inside of me, at least not on earth.
I struggled with my feelings because even if I didn’t get to hold this baby, it’s still a life and life is precious. But I dreaded another possible miscarriage, and I knew that with my age and history another miscarriage was a strong possibility.
I tried not to dwell too much on the pregnancy knowing that I couldn’t do anything about the outcome, but I still caught my self dreaming sometimes and dreading others.
The pregnancy felt very different from my other pregnancies pretty much from the beginning. Instead of my usual nausea in the mornings, I felt very sick in the evenings. “Every pregnancy is different,” I repeated to myself many times. Maybe everything was okay.
I put off the first prenatal appointment. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to see that ultrasound. I didn’t want to hear that there was no heartbeat.
And then about two weeks before my appointment I quit feeling pregnant. The nausea was no longer there. I felt too good. I think God in His mercy let me know the baby was gone. I just knew.
Then the day came for the appointment. It was great to have my mom with me. As I walked in, I recognized the sonographer who had done the sonogram the first time I was told there was no heartbeat. It was such a shock that time. I was devastated. I remember how nice the sonographer was and how bad she felt for me. I didn’t want to do that to her again. As we walked to the room, I told her that things didn’t feel normal with the pregnancy, and I thought it was going to be bad news.
Having seen so many sonograms in my day, I could tell from the images on the screen that things weren’t right. There was absolutely no blood flow through the baby at all. The lady took multiple photos and then sweetly told me that I was right. Things weren’t right with the baby. The baby was gone, just some tissue remained.
Next I saw my doctor. She recommended a D&C since I hemorrhaged with my last miscarriage. So last week I went through the procedure again. My mom was here visiting, and she spent the day at the hospital with me while Jason took care of the kids. The procedure went well, and I was home by supper time.
It is so sad to lose another baby, but I have so much to be thankful for, every day that I have had with my five children for starters! I’m thankful for all those who prayed and sent encouraging words. Friends provided meals. I got to spend the day with my mom. And hey, I don’t even have much weight to lose. 😉
“In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.”
I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss, Esther.
Holding you close in my heart and prayers…
…thanking God for His gracious provision and timing with your mother’s presence/support…
…thanking God for His protection against complications/infections…
…praying that God will overflow you with His love, grace, peace, comfort, and strength as you recover…
…lifting you and your family up to the Father’s throne of grace during this time of grief…
(((hugs)))
So sorry Esther! I have been there and the loss of a little life is so painful. Praying for you and your family!
Esther, I know that there are no words to make this feel “better” and I just want to say that I’m praying for you and your family. So much heartbreak and you are such a strong person. I love your spirit and I’m proud to call you my friend. Take care and grieve like you need to. You don’t have to be super strong super mom right now. Just take your time. {{hugs and love}}
I am so very sorry that you’re going through this. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I am 12 weeks today and terrified. We have 4 healthy boys and this pregnancy has been very difficult with many scares. I know there is nothing I can do but rely on God. Thank you for sharing your strength with us. This is often a taboo subject and people are afraid to share their experiences. God Bless!
My heart hurts for you. Your words could have been my words. I completely understand all your thoughts and feelings with this pregnancy. It is hard to explain your excitement, yet hesitant feelings and fear each time you find out your pregnant. Praying for complete healing of your body, mind and heart. God loves you girl.
Esther, Thank you for sharing your story with us. When I miscarried I was too vulnerable to share my story with others. Reading experiences others have had has helped me heal even more since that time. I admire you for your outlook and pray for your continued comfort. You have so many praying for you I know God is looking after you and your family.
I admire you for sharing such personal & painful things. I got choked up just reading. You are so strong.
I also went through something similar many years ago so I can relate to the pain. Many thoughts & prayers for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I’ve been through it twice before, so I know how hard it is. I knew the second time too. I will keep you in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss! I just began going through a miscarriage at 11 weeks, yesterday. It is my third since August. Thankfully we have seven living children but I am in the throws of grief for the three I won’t see until I get to heaven 🙁 I will be praying for you & your family, would you please do the same for us?
I’m weeping for you, Esther! I’m so sorry! (((hugs)))
So sad for you. Praying for the difficult days ahead. Laurie lost 4 little ones, but has 2 wonderful boys and her hands are full!
Hi, I’m sorry about your loss. I’m very sensitive towards babies and people losing their babies. It must be devastating. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thank you for sharing your story with the world.
SOOO sorry…..I just had my 4th miscarriage in Dec. I have 5 awesome kids but REALLY hurts….all of my pregnancies have been normal…8wk appt perfect, lab work perfect BUT all have passed between 11 & 12 wks so that it is hard! I am at the 40 mark so I know that the chances are less likely that I will be able to carry another but it IS possible…and I have two friends that had babies at 42 & 44….I KNOW that God has a plan and it is perfect….I am now taking a baby aspirin a day and IF I would get pregnant again my doctor has told me to call immediately and I will start on progerestone and keep taking the baby aspirin….may want to speak to ask your doctor at your follow up appt. Ultimately it is up to God BUT my physician is also a believer and we will give that a try!
Esther, much love to you today!!! I am happy that our little ones are playing in Heaven today – I look forward to seeing them someday with you!! My Paw Paw is probably holding them in his lap as we speak and telling them funny stories. My heart is with yours this day, dear sister!! Christy
@GrievingMama, Absolutely! Praying for you and your family!
I’m very very sorry Esther. 🙁 Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
I’ve been following your blog for a few years and I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. Dana at Calverette Chronicles