Last night I read Proverbs 12:25 in my Bible reading, “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.” (NKJV) I have done my best to fight against that anxiety that could so easily get me down. Some moments it’s been easy, others I’ve struggled. But the second part of the verse jumped out at me. “A good word makes it glad,” and that’s what so many of you have done for me. You’ve encouraged me with your comments, notes, emails, calls, and messages. Thank you for those good words of encouragement. You have made my heart glad!
Two days ago began the obvious signs of possible miscarriage–bleeding. At first sight I gasped in horror. Something that at normal times is a sign of life, of how God designed us to make babies, in pregnancy is the opposite, a sign of death. Though it was not what I had hoped, I think it made my doctor’s appointment easier today, a little less whip lash maybe.
When I arrived at the office I was told that one of the sonographers didn’t show up today so they were running late. “How long I asked?” Oh it would only be about a half hour they told me. Two hours I sat there with my husband and one-year-old. They might have been the longest two hours of my life! But finally I was called back.
The baby had grown over the week, showing to be about six weeks old. (According to my calculations the baby should be 10 weeks–big difference.) But today we could not see any blood flow through the baby or a heartbeat. Still, the doctor could not say definitively one way or the other. If the baby is in fact only 6 weeks then it is not uncommon not to see a heartbeat. The bleeding does seem to indicate probable miscarriage, but I’m not there yet. So again it’s a waiting game. Wait to miscarry at home, and if not go back in next week for another sonogram.
I wish I had better news. I know so many of you were praying and hoping too. It’s almost as if I can feel you hurting with me. If you’ll continue to pray…may the Lord’s perfect will be done, and may He grant me the grace I need for each day. He will. Would that I would cling to it!