Click here to start at the beginning of my journey.
Yet I truly, physically could not handle my responsibilities at this point. I felt like a person dying of cancer. Like something was just eating away at me from the inside yet no one had detected it. And though I felt as if there was something killing me, since people couldn’t see it, they just kept telling me things like, “I can all things through Christ which strengthens me.” That’s when I realized that He does give me the strength for what He expects, but sometimes people expect more of a person than God does.
Finally, I got to the breaking point. One night I screamed and yelled and shook my husband and told him he could not roll over and go to sleep, not one more night, leaving me like this. He thought I went completely crazy. I told him my kids might have a father, but that I sure didn’t have a husband and that he was not going to ignore me anymore. My outburst was completely irrational and sinful, but thankfully it did wake him up enough to realize that I was in trouble.
My parents visited shortly after this, and my mom and I talked long into the night. She kept urging me to rely on the Lord and seek Him and I kept saying, “Mom, this is not a spiritual problem. I am going crazy inside. I cannot handle it.” Thankfully, she realized that this was totally unlike me and really started listening to me. She went with me to my next O.B. appointment, where I told the doctor everything I was going through. She asked me her list of questions and then didn’t hesitate to recommend an anti-depressant. I took it only for one month. I was amazed that the irrational crying and feelings of helplessness left. Things were still hard, my circumstances hadn’t changed much at all, but I no longer felt like I was dying inside.
My mom, realizing that I needed extra help, came and spent about a month with me before my baby was born. It was a very special time with her!
Little did I know that my troubles were far from over and that God would use in my life all the strength I had gained from pouring myself out to Him in my weakness.
Click her to continue to Part 5.
I, like others reading these posts am glad you are open about sharing this season in your life. I have been through stuff like this and have often wrestled with whether or not it is “sinful” to get your husband’s attention, even if you have to physically shake him or use strong firm language. I don’t know that it is sinful. I think God puts us together, as different as we may be, for a reason. Maybe God wanted to get your husband’s attention. Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Mom’s are great, don’t get me wrong (Frieda :))…those are special times with moms…but you are part of God’s plan for your husband’s sanctification, and he yours. Food for thought I guess 🙂
I feel like you were justified for your “outburst.” You had tried absolutely everything else. A cry for help is a cry for help and sometimes you have to make it louder for someone to finally hear it. What an amazing mom you have to come help you through that time. Depression is a real thing, I’ve been through something similar with my last year in the Army and found a lot of what you said very familiar. It’s not a matter of simply being sad or frustrated. There are things that happen in our bodies and brain that really can be balanced with medication. I totally believe that and applaud you for getting the help you needed.
I’m glad that you finally asked for help – even if it came in the form of an outburst! And, so very glad that your mom was able to recognize there was a problem and to help you with it!
I love what you said about what God expects and what people expect! If only we could all become masters in putting God’s expectations above people’s. I find it time and time again. Sometimes it is me expecting to much of me, other times the expectation comes from others … and often all God is saying is “just rest, My girl.”
Can’t wait to read further.
I’ve went back and read through your posts and just want to say you have done a fabulous job of telling your story and you are such a beautiful person to share your pain and heartaches with us.
Thanks for being YOU!
🙂
Yes, you have written this well ~ I hope that you are healing and I want you to know that Christ’s Light is within and all around you ~ not above you or anywhere else but here and now and to trust yourself as you have been and the scripture ~ ‘the truth will set you free’ ~ means just that when we get truthful with ourself then we can be truthful with others ~ Please email me if you would like some more support ~ i am here as your friend if you need it ~ hugs and namaste, Carol ^_^
I appreciate your candor. I also don’t know about your outburst being sinful. I think depression can cause people to do things they normally wouldn’t. Us wives are deserving to have an occasional breakdown;) Thank goodness for a loving God, forgiving husbands, and sweet mothers.
Wow, I’m amazed at how strong you are. Asking for help is not a weakness, it is a strength.
I am glad that you are sharing your story. I suffered from Post Partum depression after our fourth child and it was really difficult on our marriage. One thing I realized is that you have to take care of yourself so that you can be there for your family.
Blessings!
I am so glad you were able to ask for help. Your Mom being able to come and be with you surely helped as well. Sorry I haven’t been commenting lately Blogger has not been allowing me to!
That’s when I realized that He does give me the strength for what He expects, but sometimes people expect more of a person than God does.
That is a great insight!! I will try to remember it next time I feel overwhelmed.
About your outburst being sinful or not: In my family the past few years, we have been struggling with the issue of WHAT we say to each other vs. HOW we say it. So often the content of our message is just fine, but we are using a mean voice or freak-out body language or poor choice of words, so it triggers a reaction in the listener that really does not have much to do with the actual idea being expressed. I have gotten so nervous about the risk of saying something the wrong way (or at the wrong time, when he’ll take it badly because he’s tired or whatever) that I often wait weeks or months to express something that is really bothering me…and then, of course, it builds a huge wave of drama that suddenly crashes, often at a very bad time! When I am on my knees in church thinking back over the past week, I often pray, “I am sorry I yelled, sorry I was so critical, sorry I woke him by crying…but thank you God for bringing that subject out in the open, and please help us to work it out together.” We can repent for the sin of bad choices in how we speak to our loved ones, while still standing up for the needs we expressed. But it’s so, so hard!
Thank you for writing your story.