Yet I truly, physically could not handle my responsibilities at this point. I felt like a person dying of cancer. Like something was just eating away at me from the inside yet no one had detected it. And though I felt as if there was something killing me, since people couldn’t see it, they just kept telling me things like, “I can all things through Christ which strengthens me.” That’s when I realized that He does give me the strength for what He expects, but sometimes people expect more of a person than God does.
Finally, I got to the breaking point. One night I screamed and yelled and shook my husband and told him he could not roll over and go to sleep, not one more night, leaving me like this. He thought I went completely crazy. I told him my kids might have a father, but that I sure didn’t have a husband and that he was not going to ignore me anymore. My outburst was completely irrational and sinful, but thankfully it did wake him up enough to realize that I was in trouble.
My parents visited shortly after this, and my mom and I talked long into the night. She kept urging me to rely on the Lord and seek Him and I kept saying, “Mom, this is not a spiritual problem. I am going crazy inside. I cannot handle it.” Thankfully, she realized that this was totally unlike me and really started listening to me. She went with me to my next O.B. appointment, where I told the doctor everything I was going through. She asked me her list of questions and then didn’t hesitate to recommend an anti-depressant. I took it only for one month. I was amazed that the irrational crying and feelings of helplessness left. Things were still hard, my circumstances hadn’t changed much at all, but I no longer felt like I was dying inside.
My mom, realizing that I needed extra help, came and spent about a month with me before my baby was born. It was a very special time with her!
Little did I know that my troubles were far from over and that God would use in my life all the strength I had gained from pouring myself out to Him in my weakness.