This was my most difficult pregnancy. Emotionally, I was spiraling out of control. I was having trouble functioning. I cried all the time, which is not like me at all. I remember crying myself to sleep every night. Jason was just too consumed with his own life at that point to realize the seriousness of my situation. He was exhausted himself and couldn’t do anything to help me, so he would just roll over and go to sleep night after night. I remember crying in my sleep and waking up with my eyes swollen and puffy. I would wake up and begin to cry before I even had a conscious thought. I started feeling that I was incapable of caring for my own children. I even contemplated committing myself to an institution because then at least my husband would have to find someone to take care of them.
But Jason was having struggles of his own. He had over committed to the point that his health was suffering. He was losing weight dangerously fast. I began to worry about him in earnest, even calling his parents and telling them that he was losing so much weight and to please pray for him. In an effort to heal his acid reflex problem, he put himself on a diet of steak, broccoli and almonds and would eat little else. He was sick and coughing every night, but didn’t have time to go to the doctor. Finally, he got so sick that he came down with a fever and had to go. He had pneumonia. It took him a while to get well. Also, during this time, his grandfather passed away.
The next time I saw my doctor, we were told that our baby’s kidneys were measuring too big. The doctor said this could mean any of a number of things from reflux in the kidneys to Down’s syndrome. It was hard not to worry about all the things it might be and how we would handle the outcome. The good thing was that it was something they found via sonogram, and at the birth they would have a urologist ready to see her.
In the middle of all this I spent more time in prayer and reading my Bible than ever before. When I had a chance I was pouring myself into books like The Practice of Godliness by Jerry Bridges, Faith Works by John MacArthur, and War of Words by Paul David Tripp. I can still recount specific life changing things I learned through the study of God’s Word and these great books. God was with me.