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This was my most difficult pregnancy. Emotionally, I was spiraling out of control. I was having trouble functioning. I cried all the time, which is not like me at all. I remember crying myself to sleep every night. Jason was just too consumed with his own life at that point to realize the seriousness of my situation. He was exhausted himself and couldn’t do anything to help me, so he would just roll over and go to sleep night after night. I remember crying in my sleep and waking up with my eyes swollen and puffy. I would wake up and begin to cry before I even had a conscious thought. I started feeling that I was incapable of caring for my own children. I even contemplated committing myself to an institution because then at least my husband would have to find someone to take care of them.
But Jason was having struggles of his own. He had over committed to the point that his health was suffering. He was losing weight dangerously fast. I began to worry about him in earnest, even calling his parents and telling them that he was losing so much weight and to please pray for him. In an effort to heal his acid reflex problem, he put himself on a diet of steak, broccoli and almonds and would eat little else. He was sick and coughing every night, but didn’t have time to go to the doctor. Finally, he got so sick that he came down with a fever and had to go. He had pneumonia. It took him a while to get well. Also, during this time, his grandfather passed away.
The next time I saw my doctor, we were told that our baby’s kidneys were measuring too big. The doctor said this could mean any of a number of things from reflux in the kidneys to Down’s syndrome. It was hard not to worry about all the things it might be and how we would handle the outcome. The good thing was that it was something they found via sonogram, and at the birth they would have a urologist ready to see her.
In the middle of all this I spent more time in prayer and reading my Bible than ever before. When I had a chance I was pouring myself into books like The Practice of Godliness by Jerry Bridges, Faith Works by John MacArthur, and War of Words by Paul David Tripp. I can still recount specific life changing things I learned through the study of God’s Word and these great books. God was with me.
Wow – this must be taking a lot of courage to write about..it’s definitely not easy to open up about these things…but I’m very proud of you for doing so!
Sorry I haven’t been around much..I still read all of your posts in my google reader..but don’t always have the time or energy to comment..as you know..life can get crazy! Just wanted to let you know that I’m still always reading in the background 🙂
Also – Love the new banner at the top – so cute! 🙂
A very positive ending to this part of the story. Wonderful actually that we do have the low times if they drive us towards God our comforter more. Never easy at the time, but you have so much more to give at the end… And I agree, love the bright, summery top banner.
Oh gosh it is hard enough to be so depressed – and then to have so much stress as well 🙁
Life certainly doesn’t play any favorites when it comes to happiness, stress or difficulties. How you deal with them is the key. Great post, Esther. 🙂
Love your new header, btw. 🙂
It is so hard to share such personal things good for you!! You have no idea how much these amazing people will validate your feelings and lift you up!
Amen Ester!!! God’s Word and great books make great friends during those dark seasons 🙂 God taught me to be a reader as well. Which is funny because I never was before. I flunked American Lit…or was it English lit? See…took the class twice and I still don’t remember. Best advice I ever got with regard to reading was from a pastor of ours…he said “Read dead guys”. How excited I get when I come across rewrites of “dead guys” written especially for the literary challenged like myself. Even more grateful that the Spirit enables us to understand His written Word as He uses it to pour more mercy and grace into our lives 🙂
I really think your blog is amazing! So many blogs out there are just loaded with “fluff” and “fillers”. Either it be giveaways, reviews or freebies… it is nice to see a blog that really connects to its readers. I am a new follower. : ) Actually, I have been following you on Blog Frog for months now..
Crystal Lynn
i am completely hooked on your story, esther… i keep wanting to read more RIGHT now …. and i LOVE the pictures, btw. its so good to go back and recount how God is faithful to us thru the intense struggles of our lives. i can tell He has done great things in your marriage and family, and thank you for sharing! 🙂
Like everyone else I love your new pictures! And I love reading your story, realizing again that God knows us so so well, that He knows exactly how much to stretch us, and exactly how to draw us closer.
I love your new header! I hope things will get better in your next chapter of this story even though I know things turn out ok (obviously) I am worried about ya 🙂
I just started following your blog and am hooked and hopeful that all will turn out well. I will continue to read and think you are courageous to writing all your thoughts down. From time to time I feel like doing that but still havent been able to pour my heart out. But I am sure you are feeling some sort of uplifting from this….until the next part….G-d bless….
You really were going through a tuff time. I’m glad you turned to the Lord during it.
Wow, wow, and wow! That just makes ME overwhelmed reading about everything on your plate at one time. I think it’s AWESOME that you responded to God’s wooing during this time, instead of pushing Him away and developing a hard heart. Because that totally could’ve happened, with a “crash and burn” marriage to show for it. I admire you SO MUCH!
P.S. The worst thing about being pregnant is all the “might be’s!” I hate it! It’s so easy to worry. In fact, I drove myself to the hospital to meet my midwife last week, because I hadn’t felt my baby move in 24 hours. (Turns out Baby was fine!) I’ve *never* worried like that before! You’d think I’d worry LESS with #5, not more!
I’m so glad you’re sharing your story, Esther. When women share their struggles, it gives “permission” to others to do so as well. Looking forward to reading more.
Good books, glad they helped.
And on post 2 – I think I used 500 or more minutes every month myself.