Hope. Surprise. Miracle. These are the words that still ring in my ears. Shock is what I’m feeling, with a little hope thrown in.
I was ready for my second sonogram. Last week I had received a “No heartbeat” verdict at just over eight weeks. There had been no sign of life. I lost a baby a couple of years ago so I was prepared that it was a possibility. Today at my second appointment, I knew that we would do another sonogram to confirm death, and then I would wait to miscarry.
I lay down for the external sonogram. There was a little bit of difference; I could tell. The gestational sac seemed smaller to me, but last week there had been an area of blood and now it was gone. I asked the sonographer if it was smaller, and she said that it did appear to be. Then we did an internal sonogram. All of a sudden I could see something there. Last week there had been nothing. I kept watching. Was I imagining things? I dared not hope. Then I heard what sounded like a heartbeat. Was that my baby or was that just the machine? The sonographer didn’t say anything about a heartbeat. She took a lot of pictures, and I wondered what I was looking at. When she was through she said there was change from last week. That’s all she would say. She said she’d wait to have the doctor look at the photos and talk to me.
I went back out to the waiting room. I felt like throwing up. What was going on? It seemed like hours before being called back to another room, and then waiting there for my doctor. When she walked in the room, she just looked completely perplexed. “I’m very surprised,” she said. There had been growth! There is the beginning of a fetal pole, and there was a flicker of a heartbeat! She explained that there wasn’t a regular heartbeat yet, so they cannot say definitively, “Yes there is a heartbeat,” but there is a flicker, and I heard it! She kept saying she was so surprised and actually used the word “miracle” several times!
We are cautiously optimistic. While there are signs of life and growth, things still do not look normal, for sure by our calculations, but even if our calculations are off. The gestational sac did not show growth even though the baby did. Also my blood work looked to be more in line with a possible miscarriage. Basically, we will wait another agonizing week, and hopefully will see normal progression and a regular heartbeat at our sonogram next Thursday. So there is a flicker of hope, but things could just as easily go the other way.
I am in self counseling mode where my mind begins going to all the what ifs, and I have to yank it back and tell myself, “God will give me the grace when these issues arise and not before. Trust God. He’s never failed you. No good will arise from dwelling on the what ifs.” I pray that God will give me the grace to accept whatever He has in store for us.
So pray, I beg you, for this little life! Pray for me and my family as we’re going through a roller coaster of emotions. With all my heart, thank you for your prayers!
Update: Third sonogram.
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