Hope. Surprise. Miracle. These are the words that still ring in my ears. Shock is what I’m feeling, with a little hope thrown in.
I was ready for my second sonogram. Last week I had received a “No heartbeat” verdict at just over eight weeks. There had been no sign of life. I lost a baby a couple of years ago so I was prepared that it was a possibility. Today at my second appointment, I knew that we would do another sonogram to confirm death, and then I would wait to miscarry.
I lay down for the external sonogram. There was a little bit of difference; I could tell. The gestational sac seemed smaller to me, but last week there had been an area of blood and now it was gone. I asked the sonographer if it was smaller, and she said that it did appear to be. Then we did an internal sonogram. All of a sudden I could see something there. Last week there had been nothing. I kept watching. Was I imagining things? I dared not hope. Then I heard what sounded like a heartbeat. Was that my baby or was that just the machine? The sonographer didn’t say anything about a heartbeat. She took a lot of pictures, and I wondered what I was looking at. When she was through she said there was change from last week. That’s all she would say. She said she’d wait to have the doctor look at the photos and talk to me.
I went back out to the waiting room. I felt like throwing up. What was going on? It seemed like hours before being called back to another room, and then waiting there for my doctor. When she walked in the room, she just looked completely perplexed. “I’m very surprised,” she said. There had been growth! There is the beginning of a fetal pole, and there was a flicker of a heartbeat! She explained that there wasn’t a regular heartbeat yet, so they cannot say definitively, “Yes there is a heartbeat,” but there is a flicker, and I heard it! She kept saying she was so surprised and actually used the word “miracle” several times!
We are cautiously optimistic. While there are signs of life and growth, things still do not look normal, for sure by our calculations, but even if our calculations are off. The gestational sac did not show growth even though the baby did. Also my blood work looked to be more in line with a possible miscarriage. Basically, we will wait another agonizing week, and hopefully will see normal progression and a regular heartbeat at our sonogram next Thursday. So there is a flicker of hope, but things could just as easily go the other way.
I am in self counseling mode where my mind begins going to all the what ifs, and I have to yank it back and tell myself, “God will give me the grace when these issues arise and not before. Trust God. He’s never failed you. No good will arise from dwelling on the what ifs.” I pray that God will give me the grace to accept whatever He has in store for us.
So pray, I beg you, for this little life! Pray for me and my family as we’re going through a roller coaster of emotions. With all my heart, thank you for your prayers!
Update: Third sonogram.
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Touching and agreeing with you in prayer! ((hugs))
Holding out hope & lifting you & your family in my prayers!
We’ve had three little ones go before us to heaven so I share your pain and turmoil. Pour all your love you have to give into this baby every day it’s here so you will have no regrets. Enjoy your moments as this baby’s mom be they many or few. Praying for you and yours!
I am believing with you that God has this situation under control. I know what you are going through, as I have lost two babies myself. Praying for you and your husband and your precious baby.
I will be praying and hoping with you and will be looking forward to the results of next week’s sonogram.
Oh, Esther, that would be wonderful! I’m praying!
Esther, I can not even begin to imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are all on right now.
Praying for you and your family. Miracles do happen!
On my knees….
Praying for you and yours!
Your prayer and your heart are so right on! Praying with you for this dear little life, and for you and the rest of your family as well.
We are going through it with you–the whole roller coaster. “We know what e’er befall us, Jesus doeth all things well.” We love you and your family.
I was hoping there would be some good news on your blog!! I had a feeling that maybe you would see a heartbeat. Haha. I will definitely be praying for you and your little babe. If you need anything at all, please let me know!
Remember how I told you that I thought I had miscarried last time? It was so strange to go in expecting to be told that my baby had died, only to see and hear a baby and heartbeat! I felt like throwing up, too!! I can totally relate to what you’re feeling…a mixture of nausea and excitement.
Keep us posted…
Julie
Prayers for your family for strength, peace, and wisdom from the Lord. Please know though, your words have helped me so deeply today. After a miscarriage in August, I had what doctors believe were bilateral pulmonary emboli (half agree, half disagree). So future pregnancy for me is uncertain and I spend too much time thinking about the what ifs. Your words today, “Trust God. He’s never failed you. No good will arise from dwelling on the what ifs” have given me peace. Prayers for a holy Easter.
I got goosebumps all over – praying!!!
Oh my goodness. Will be praying for you guys!
{Melinda} I am so sorry for the agony you are going through — waiting is so hard. I’m saying a prayer right now for the miracle to continue and the God’s plan will be accomplished through your circumstances.
I do pray, Esther… Whatever happens, in His will. Despite never having met you all, your family holds a special place in my heart. Much love.
Oh! Praying for that miracle to grow!
My best wishes and thoughts for you and your family.
tearing up BIG time and praying!
God strengthen you.
Wow. Esther I’ve been reading your blog for years, but I don’t comment too often. I came to your blog sometime on Thursday, to catch up on your posts and your most recent post was about the FRAM Fresh Breeze. I read the most recent post first and then the others so the news about the baby was the last thing I read. I felt really sad for you. I saw the last paragraph where you said you still felt pregnant and that you were still nauseous and I said to myself ‘There is still hope”. I read the comments and I saw everyone saying they were sorry. I wanted to say something but it didn’t feel right to say I was sorry when I believed that God could still do something.. so I said nothing. I began to pray for your baby, I spoke life and I said with God all things are possible. I knew God could do it but I said out loud “Lord I choose to believe that you can” and I determined not to doubt that He would. I didn’t pray this but I thought to myself that at you’re next appointment you would see a heartbeat.
I hadn’t taken note of when you’re next appointment was supposed to be. Maybe I was praying my prayer at the very same time that you were having your appointment, I don’t know. Right now I am so amazed. God is just so awesome. I will continue to pray for your little one and believe in my Big and Awesome God, that He is able to do all things.
Hello my Weekend Brew Neighbor!
I am praying as your faith calls out…praying for a brave heart for you…for little baby to grow, full of kicking arms and legs…praying for God to care for every heart beat, amen.
-Rachel
This is such wonderful news!!! I’ll be praying that this little one continues to grow and mature as he/she should! This happened to my sister. She did miscarry and when she went in for another ultrasound there was another baby there. They have no idea what happened, other than it was a) a miracle or b) she had had twins and lost one. Either way, we’re so thankful for my nephew who WAS born! I pray for God’s peace and sovereign grace to be with you and your husband!
Stopping to pray for you this morning. I have lost a child, and I feel for you. Praying for a miracle!
Praying for LIFE for this litte one!
I can only imagine what you are going through. I have had some scary ultrasounds in the past. I stopped to pray before writing this and I hope you feel the prayers and love of all of us for you and that sweet baby!
Praying for Jesus to breathe life into your little baby.
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Praying for hope, peace, grace, health …
Faith is the substance of things hoped for – the evidence of things not seen!
Praying, Praying. How wonderful you are to wait for your baby and give life the chance it deserves.
Praying with you…being thankful for our God who is with us in the joy and the pain.
Happy Resurrection Day!
Joyfully,
Pamela
He is the author of your faith and I pray that you will continue to trust His provision of faith as your family walks down this road. Praying for peace, comfort and blessing for you and yours this day!
Hi there, new follower here, but I send prayer’s and positive vibe’s for you and your family. May the baby continue to grow!!!
Praying for you, dear one, this is indeed a roller coaster of emotions. Keep us posted ~ Mary
I am praying for you right now! I went through a similar scare 3 years ago and below is the scripture I pondered all day every day…..
Psalms 139:
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Esther, I did not see the other post so had no idea.
I am sorry that you are on this roller coaster, but I know that the Lord will sustain you. So glad you’re keeping your thoughts captive for Christ (II Cor. 10:5) and not going there with the what-if’s, which would make this time more difficult. I know that is hard to do and it will be hard to wait. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, my friend!
My family is praying for your family:-) And we’re excited too!
Christy Joy #happywivesclub
Oh Esther, I saw your post on twitter. How tough this must be. You’re in my prayers — that God will sustain you, no matter what lies ahead.
God is in control- you do not need to worry. He will never give up on you- dont give up on him. God does make miracles and he makes them more than once. I hope and pray all is going well for your baby- grow baby grow!
I’ve had 5 reccurent miscarriages…we kept trying and now we have 3 babies- ages 4,3 and 7months 🙂
Praying for you and I am confident our Mighty Lord will hear all our prayers. May God continue to bless all of us abundantly.
Love, light and much hope and good vibes your way, Esther.
Stopping by from PYHO.
Praying that there continues to be growth and positive change for your baby. I’m glad to see that the baby’s still in there fighting!
Oh my… you and your family will be in my thoughts. I hope for only good things and a positive outcome.
This happened to me 4 or 5 years ago… twice. It was the worst thing to go through and I pray that it won’t happen to you.
Stopping by from PYHO.
Oh, I so know what you’re feeling. 🙁 I’ve lost four little ones and each one hurts! But I will be praying this child lives and grows and proves to be a miracle from the Lord to bless your heart!!
Oh, wow. I am hoping and praying for the best outcome here and that whatever it is you will know in your heart that it is somehow for the best and that you will be OK with it.
Blessings,
Charlotte
Sending prayers!
Also sending prayers. What an exciting time!