Those words I had heard before. Those words I knew I might hear again. No heartbeat.
Just over eight weeks pregnant and at my first prenatal appointment with only my sixteen month old son. This last Thrusday was to be a busy day with doctor’s appointment, errands, picking up kids, and heading to the first night of Blissdom, a conference for bloggers. My husband was taking off work early so that he could be with the kids while I went to the conference which is why he wasn’t at the doctor’s appointment with me.
So as I lay there with my baby screaming in the stroller on the floor beside me, I watched photos from the ultrasound being projected on the monitor. Having done this so many times, I could tell right away that things did not look right. I hoped that I was wrong. The camera in my mind went instantly to how excited my husband’s face had been when we found out we were pregnant again. “I’m okay,” I told myself. I had to be okay. My crying boy needed me. I had so much to do. I chose not to grieve. I chose not to let myself feel.
My doctor confirmed what I already knew to be true from the ultrasound. Though I had been carrying a child, it appeared there was no longer life. I held myself together through the rest of the appointment, as I made phone calls, broke the news to my children, and got ready to go to Blissdom. I didn’t have time to think, to feel.
It was a busy afternoon and evening of meeting so many people from the blogging world at the conference. I didn’t tell people. It didn’t seem appropriate. It was late when I arrived home and I fell into bed.
The next morning I woke up early to make it back for the day’s sessions. I was exhausted, but enjoying myself immensely. Toward the end of the day I went to a photography session. I relaxed in my chair after a full, tiring day ready to be entertained again. Photos of newborn babes brought tears to my eyes, but I was fine. And then the speaker flashed a photo of a NICU baby on the screen. All I heard him say was that the baby was 1 and 1/2 pounds. I wasn’t even thinking about myself or my situation. I had pretty much blocked it out. But at that point an involuntary sob heaved from my body. It was out there before I knew it was coming. With one hand I grabbed my things. With the other I covered my mouth, and I ran from the room. In the hallway I was thankful for a friend who comforted me as I sobbed uncontrollably. You can’t always choose when to grieve. I went home and spent the rest of the day with my family.
God has taken another baby home. I really am okay. It is still sad because life is precious, but I am content to remain a family of seven if that is the Lord’s will.
If you are a prayer warrior: I have another sonogram next Thursday to confirm that our baby is gone. But please pray for me as continuing to carrying a baby that has died is tough. I still feel pregnant. I’m still nauseous. So here again I am waiting for my body to miscarry, and Lord willing would really prefer that to surgery. Thanks so much.
Important Update: Signs of life at second ultrasound!
Kim @ Two Martini Lunch says
While we don’t know each other, I am sending you a hug. I can’t begin to know what you are feeling and all I can say is that you, your baby and your entire family are in my prayers. I wish there was more I could do or say. And if there ever is, just jot me a note. You have touched my heart today. Blessings to you.
Oh Esther. I’m so sorry. Life IS precious and so are you!!! I will pray for you and your family as you grieve the loss of this precious little one.
You know we have been praying for you and continue to do so. We love you very much. We accept the “good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” That doesn’t mean it is easy.
RaShell S says
Esther- My heart is breaking with you! May the Lord wrap His loving arms around you. If you need to talk, please drop me a note or give me a call. I am praying for you!
Elizabeth K says
You have made me laugh and smile so many times. Here I kneel in prayer that your body will naturally do what it is created to do for you. I have been through this once (as so many of us have- silently and alone but with God). Lean on His merciful love. May you find loving tenderness and strength in Him.
Your sister through Jesus.
Nicole Keck says
I’m so sorry Esther. What a difficult thing to go through. I’m sure your blog will speak to many mothers who have suffered the same loss. Praying for you.
Hal is dictating this note: Esther, you have been such a joy to our hearts since the day you came from heaven. But now I cannot think. I only feel like I have a hole in my stomach as my ears ring and tears flow. Thank you for being so brave and living your life for the Lord.
Oh my. Your dad’s note to you made my eyes fill up. I’m so sorry for your loss, Esther. I must agree with your dad – that you have been a joy to the hearts’ of many.
You’re in my prayers for sure!
Oh, Esther, I am crying for you now. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Praying for you and your family.
This Busy Life says
Oh Esther. I am so sorry for you. I trust you will hang on to the Lord tightly this week.
Shannon Schmid says
Esther- I am so very very sorry for the pain you are in. I’ve also heard those horrible words and they create an ache and a heartbreak that is so hard to describe. I wish I had known, so I could have given you a hug! Please know you and your husband and family are in my thoughts and prayers. If you’d ever like to just vent or talk please let me know! This is a poem that has helped me … maybe it will help you too.
She’s the smallest of the angels
She’s run on far ahead
Slipping past a door
Through which her parents could not tread.
She’s the smallest of the angels now
And though their hearts are filled with tears
As the smallest of the angels
She will love them all their years.
Oh Esther, I am so, so sorry. You will be in my prayers and the prayers of many others. With everything in me I wish I could give you a long, tight hug right now.
Tess @ Six Feet Under Blog says
So sorry for your loss! Sending an online hug.
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember meeting you at the Christian bloggers meet-up. I was the one who shared about losing one of my triplets. I have been where you are. 2 miscarriages before losing Carter. All grief is grief. All loss is loss. I will be praying for you. If you need someone to talk to you who has also been where you are, I am happy to lend an ear or be a voice of comfort. God bless you,
Susan Evans says
I’m grieving with you and praying for you… (((hugs)))
Ruth Camareno says
My dear Esther. You´re such a blessing to me. God has been using you to teach me so many things as I read your blog. I´m grieving with you and praying for you my dear Esther. Love you so much.
Oh Esther, I’m so sad for you.
Esther, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and I know how much it hurts. I’m praying for you!
I am so sorry for your loss. 🙁 Sending you hugs.
Southern Angel says
Oh hun I am so sorry. I don’t care how you think you are ready for it but you aren’t.. sending you hugs and prayers.
David Molnar says
Hey Esther, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I have several friends that have gone and are going through similar situations and I don’t know how to comfort them other than to tell them that we love them, we are there for them and are praying for them. So I’m going to say the same. If there is anything I can do just let me know. You’re in our prayers 🙂 Thanks for coming to the session. No worries about leaving early 🙂
All the best,
COMPRENDO COMO TE SIENTES, PERO DIOS VA A QUERER QUE SI TENGAS TU BEBE Y QUE TODO SALGA BIEN.
LE PIDO A LA VIRGEN QUE TE LO CONCEDA.
How very sad. I am so sorry, Esther. My prayers are with you these difficult days.
shari lynne @ Faith Filled Food For Moms and Grandmothers says
I’m sorry Esther 🙁 I will pray <3
So sorry, praying for you sweet one. I only know too well your pain. But someday we will be dancing with our babies.
Hang in there, Esther! And spend some time in James.
Esther, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel and no matter how many miscarriages you may have they all hurt. I just pray for the Lord’s comfort.
Praying for you. I’ve been there. Much love, hugs and prayers being sent your way.
I am praying for you… Words can barely touch a pain that deep but I am praying that the God of mercy and love and peace would make Himself known to you and your beautiful family!
Hi I just found your blog from a link up. i am so sorry you are going through this. We lost a son last year at twenty weeks it was so painful. I am currently pregnant and have not seen an ultrasound yet but fear and dread those words, NO HEARTBEAT.Saying a prayer for you and your family during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you for sharing this. I am praying for you and your family as you grieve this loss.
Dearest Esther ~
My heart is breaking along with yours at the loss of your darling baby. My daughter just suffered a miscarriage in January when she was 11 weeks pregnant with our first grandchild. We were all utterly devastated by the news.
I have found great comfort and peace in a song by Watermark, titled “Glory Baby”. If you can, please listen to the song, but here are some of the lyrics:
“Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby.
You were growing,
what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby.
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we’re home with you.
We miss you everyday,
miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day
when we will hold you.
And you’ll kiss our tears away,
when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day
when we will see you.
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you,
until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do.
Sweet little baby,
it’s hard to understand it
‘Cause we are hurting.
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would.
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know
All you’ll ever know.”
I hope you will be comforted by knowing that you (and I) will be reunited with our babies someday….and that, until then, they are enjoying heavenly lullabies in the arms of Jesus!
Holding you close in my heart and prayers….
….lifting you up to the Father’s throne of grace.
Love & Hugs ~ Deb
Esther, I found your blog through the Mama Moments Link Up. I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you. We’ve gone through this too.
God will cover you in His wings and hold you as you grieve. I know He will. He did for me.
May His all surpassing peace and comfort surround you today and in the days to come. Lifting you up right now in prayer!!!
I feel for you. I had the same situation last fall, luckly we had not told any family or friends of our pregnancy, and they still do not know. The only way I could cope with it was to stay busy and “choose not to feel” for awhile. I have recently found out I am pregnant again, after months of praying. I should be at seven weeks right now, and I am so nervous to go to my first appointment, fearful that history will repeat itself.
Be strong, God will use all experiences for the good of those who are faithful. Have faith and know that your precious little one is safe in heaven, and have hope and faith that you will get to hold your angel there.
Fawn Weaver says
Wow. No words. Just lots of love. Sending it your way. (((hug)))
Anna Hettick says
I know exactly how you are feeling. I was pregnant with my first, I went to the Dr. app so excited. never dreamed there would be bad news. I even remember trying to talk the Dr. into what it could be instead. I cried and cried for 2 days. My husband was strong and never cried that I knew of. He just comforted me. Then one night a week or two later he came home with a blotchy face and blood red eyes. You cannot choose when to grieve. It happens when it happens. I’m a firm believer in the Lord always knowing what’s going on even if we don’t. Even when it’s hard.
Kids Creative Chaos ~ Lora says
I’m so sorry and sending prayers your way. How brave to head to Blissdom! I’m sure it helped take your mind off things for a little while.
Mary @ Redo 101 says
I am so sorry. I have experienced miscarriage but not this waiting like you are doing now, I know it is so hard. I prayed for you, and sending big hugs. Mary
I am so sorry for your loss.
Judith at WholeHearted Home says
‘ve had this happen three times, yet I choose to be thankful for the children God has blessed me with. Thank you for linking up over at WholeHearted Home today.
Oh…I went through this myself almost exactly one year ago. You are in my prayers! I especially hope you can miscarry naturally rather than have the surgery like I did–it was such an awful shock to my body, and I felt confused and very weird at times for more than 3 months. I also felt very angry at the heartless embryo who made me sick for a month for no reason! I know the poor little thing didn’t do it on purpose, but my feelings were not rational, and they were very strong. I hope that having been through this before will give you strength and that God’s grace will be with you.
My heart hurts for you. I understand in a way many can’t. My own little girl left this world at 16 wks. There aren’t “right” words and I can’t truly understand without living your life…but know my heart is already whipering prayers on your behalf.
Hugs and prayers to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Praying for you and your sweet family. What a hard thing to go through together as you figure out how God will use this in your lives. Much love to you!
I know exactly what you are going through. I was alone in my Doctor’s office Thursday when he told me the words I too had heard before…”There’s no heartbeat”. I’m sobbing with you sweetie. Just remember that our beautiful babies are playing at the feet of Jesus, waiting for us to join them one day. They are well taken care of 🙂
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine having to get the news and continue on the way that you did. I’m glad that you found yourself with friends when you were ready to grieve. I’ve never met you, but I promise you that I will pray for you. Stopped by from Shell’s place.
Sending prayers. Hugs.
Know you are not alone. I was there too… Started OurHopePlace.com to help cope, hope and heal. I pray you don’t need to use it!
Oh Esther, I am so sorry. You are in m prayers.
Oh Esther, I am so sorry. You are in m prayers.
Jodi - Mom's Favorite Stuff says
It was great meeting you at Blissdom, but I had no idea you were going through this. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation and can empathize with what you are going through. Hugs and prayers to you.
Update: Back from doctor’s appointment. There are signs of life! Please keep praying. There is hope (with caution). I’ll do my best to get details on the blog tomorrow morning, but wanted to thank everyone so much that has been praying!
Xiomara | Equis Place says
My heart is with you. What a tormenting moment. I am praying for you, and I am so glad there are signs of life.
I pray that your baby is still with you.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers. xo
A Mama's Story says
Oh sweetie, reading your words spoke to my heart. I lost a little one, in January after seeing numbers increase and climb. Instead of taking time to grieve the loss, I threw myself into activities happening around me and you’re right–sooner or later, the uncontrollable cry came. Time does help but it’s still hard at times. I’ll be thinking of you.
I also wanted to let you know that your story resonated with other readers because yours made the top 3 most visited, so will be featured tomorrow, shared on FB, Twitter, and I’ll add it to my Pinterest Featured Board. Thanks for sharing your heart with us and for linking up.
Melissa Ryan says
I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray for strength and comfort for you and your family in the coming days.