The fate of our baby is no longer a mystery. It has been a roller coaster of a ride. From our first sonogram when we were told there was no heartbeat, to the second that showed signs of life and then as I told you last week after our third sonogram, I had been experiencing some bleeding, so we were at least somewhat prepared.
I had gone to bed about midnight taking precautions as things indicated that miscarriage might be very near. At three thirty in the morning I woke up with a start. I was covered in blood–my clothes, and all of my bedding around me– clear through to the mattress. It was to this sight that I woke up my poor husband.
I had hemorrhaged before, and that was something I was very concerned about as I waited to miscarry. The amount of blood on this morning did not seem normal to me, and I didn’t want to wait around until I was fainting, like I did before, to go to the hospital. We decided we’d rather be safe than sorry.
We arrived at the ER about 4:00 am with all five kiddos! My oldest was a little worried, but they had a waiting room all to themselves with the Disney Channel so I think they actually enjoyed our little trip to the ER! A few hours later a friend offered to watch them for us so they didn’t have to stay at the hospital the whole day.
At the hospital I felt taken care of and in good hands. The ER doctor removed the tissue that my body was having trouble expelling, and told me the bleeding should slow down within the next half hour. It didn’t. I was taken to have extensive sonogram photos done to make sure that the uterus was clear and that the miscarriage was complete.
*gross alert. (I figure if you’re reading this far then you’re probably okay with blood, but I have tried to be sensitive. If you’re not okay you might want to stop reading now.) A funny moment happened when the nurse told me (clothed only in my hospital gown) to get up and walk to the examining table. “Uh…but you don’t understand. I’m really bleeding a LOT. Are you sure you want me to walk from here…to there?” Oh yes, they assured me everything would be fine even after I protested several times. Well when I got up it was like I dropped a blood bomb. I’m telling you the entire middle of the floor was covered. The nurses’ eyes and faces–hilarious. I wanted to say, “I told you so,” but just said, “I’m sorry,” instead!
When the doctor came with the results of the sonogram he said that the uterus appeared to be free of tissue, but that it still showed extensive blood clotting. If I continued to bleed so heavily I would probably need a D&C he said.
Then my doctor showed up to save the day! She found more tissue that the ER doctor had missed and was able to carefully remove it without a D&C. Yea! As soon as she was finished, I could tell a drastic difference in the amount I was bleeding. She told me I could go home. This was about 9:00 am.
Hours later I was still there! When I asked why they weren’t releasing me when my doctor said I could go home, they told me my blood pressure was too low and that when I stood up my heart rate was sky rocketing. They gave me lots of fluids through IV, FINALLY let me eat something, and about 1:30 gave me the okay to go home with strict instructions to take it easy since my blood pressure was not normal yet.
And so I am home now and recovering very well. You know it might feel like some cruel joke to have gone from “no heartbeat” to seeing growth and hearing that flicker of a heartbeat only to lose the baby anyway. People might not blame me for feeling that way, but there is another way to look at it. I choose to see it as a gift that I got to see that little life and hear that flicker of a heartbeat! My baby was alive, but now is with Jesus. It is a much better place for my baby! But I am here, and I am blessed with so much!
In family worship my six year old requested that we pray for the baby. My husband reminded her that the baby is gone. “Oh, then lets pray for a new baby!” Her comment made us laugh! I am honestly content with the family the Lord has blessed me with, but I do know that my husband would love more children. I pray for the Lord’s perfect will. Whatever that may be!
Thank you all for going on this journey with me. As I’ve mentioned before, you’re prayers, comments, and support have been a daily encouragement. I feel like I have friends all over the world. Much love,
I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family!
I am sorry about your loss. Praying for you and your family.
Joe Sherwood says
you sure have friends in Tryon, NE! We love you and will keep praying for you.
You DO have friends all over the world. If ever I mention a story you’ve told to someone, I refer to you as “a friend that lives in Texas…”
People in my circle tend to think of “internet friends” as not real friends. Even though I fell in love with an “internet friend” and promised to marry him before meeting him in person.
I am here to tell you that internet friends are real, live, and true friends!
Praying for you, Esther. God has blessed you with a thankful heart.
Oh Esther….I can imagine how traumatic the whole experience was for you and your family what with all the bleeding and the middle-of-the-night-trip to the ER.
I’m so grateful that you were well taken care of and that you were spared from having a D&C…on top of everything else!
Continuing to pray for the Lord’s strength, comfort, peace, mercy, and grace….and for healing of both your body and your heart.
(((hugs))) Deb <
Jaime JJ says
My thoughts and prayers are with you- air hug, jaime
Your children are so sweet. Prayers to you and your family.
Hugs and prayers coming your way!
Mrs. Sarah Coller says
Just wanted to send you my love.
Mrs. Sarah Coller
You display such grace and faith even in the midst of grief. Prayers for you and your family. Very glad you are okay.
Sorry to hear this sad news. I hope you will spoil yourself with lots of rest and heal well. Hugs to you and your adoring family.
Kim @ The Educators' Spin On It says
Sending our thoughts and prayers as you grieve your lose. So glad to read that you are now at home and able to rest and recover from a very tramatic event. I’m so glad you felt comfortable to share this on your blog, so many of my friends have experienced miscarriages and are timid to share and felt alone. As you said…Every moment of life is a blessing.
Rachel Holland says
Oh Esther, I am so sorry. My body apparently doesn’t miscarry well either and I ended up with an emergency D&C after losing A LOT of blood. I waited wayyyyyy too long before heading to the hospital so by the time we got there I was in pretty bad shape (although I didn’t realize it at the time – all I knew was that I was too lightheaded to walk or stand at all).
My prayers are with you and your sweet family this week.
I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOUR HEALING AND FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.
dr momi says
There will be a reunion one day! Prayers…..
Praying for you, Esther.
Rebekah @ The Golden Gleam says
Many prayers for healing. I am so sorry this sad news.
I’m so glad you are home recovering. You have a wonderful testimony of faith during a difficult time. May God continue to heal you physically. Blessings to your lovely family. (Your six year old’s prayer suggestion is precious. It is so good for a family to pray together.)
I’m sorry for your loss Esther. I pray for strength and the comfort of our Lord for you and your family during this time.
Gina Calvert says
So sorry to hear your news, and inspired by your faith. Praying for healing in every way.
I remember reading of a previous miscarriage what seems like a lifetime ago in 2011, and remember being inspired by your faith back then. “I pray for the Lord’s perfect will. Whatever that may be!” Then, and now… For He is perfect, and His love for us in all circumstances is unfailing. May the healing come quickly through Him…
Oh, Esther I am so sorry to hear this! Your faith is so inspiring. Love and prayers to you!
So terribly sorry for your loss. Will be praying for you and your family’s emotional healing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my prayers.
Tanya @ Mom's Small Victories says
So sorry for your and your family’s loss. I had 2 lost babies (one daughter) before we were blessed with our 3 boys. I know it’s hard and glad to hear you have strength in your faith and family to get you through this difficult time. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Susan Evans says
Praying for you, Esther! I’m so sorry.
DIOS NO SE EQUIVOCA. A NOSOTROS SE NOS MURIERON DOS HIJOS A LAS 6 HORAS Y A LAS 10 HORAS DE NACIDOS.
NOS DIJO EL DR. QUE SI HUBIERAN VIVIDO, HUBIERAN ESTADO MALITOS. TENIAMOS MUCHISIMA ILUSION PUES UNA ERA NIÑA Y YA TENIAMOS DOS NIÑOS, Y EL ULTIMO FUE HOMBRECITO.
LE DAMOS GRACIAS A DIOS PORQUE TENEMOS DOS ANGELITOS EN EL CIELO.
DIOS LES BENDIGA ABUNDANTEMENTE.
I’m so sorry for you loss – thinking of you and your family.
Esther Joy says
From one “Esther” to another – Psalm 30:5!
I’m here from Still Saturday. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. What an experience you had to go through. I am thankful that you can look at this with such a positive perspective. Rest and feel better. Blessings!
Kenda Wathen says
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. I lost a baby in similar circumstances five years ago. I did not have peace that we were done with having our little ones. God blessed us with a beautiful daughter 19 months ago and she has completed our family. Praying for you and your family. BTW my then 6 yr old kept praying for a baby and the Lord did answer her prayer.
Well, you have a fine looking bunch at the top of your blog in the header photo. I guess there’s a missing photo since five went to the ER.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss but I also agree with you, to have known there was life . . . it’s consoling in its own way.
Take care of yourself!
visiting by way of Pink Saturday
PS you must have a rotating header photo b/c now I see everyone at a table. Great looking family. You resemble of friend of mine from high school. That’s amazing.
From Dad: Thank you for your testimony of triumph! I feel like praying for comfort instead of praising, though I am praising the Creator that one day I too will see my grandchild.
Always difficult the loss of a baby. I am praying for healing and hope you have much comfort in your family supporting you. Please take care.
I, too, am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for letting us share a part of your life.
God bless all of your precious family.
Thank you for sharing this experience. So glad you are home and things getting back to normal. Bless your sweet self, your hubby and your children.
xo bj….over from Pink Sat.
Linda Stoll says
blessings and peace …
Thank you for letting us know the outcome. I claim the verse that says God knew us BEFORE He placed us in our Mother’s womb. Your baby is safe in His arms. God bless you and your family.
michelle anderson says
very sorry for your loss. very happy for safe recovery. God bless you!
Esther I am so sorry to hear that, but I am so thankful that the Lord’s comforting arms (and your family’s arms) are around you. I’ll bet you sure gave those nurses a shock! You warned them though! O.o
I started my miscarriage at an out of town wedding and my dad was very upset. They had basically begged that I go as a sort of “representative” for the rest of my siblings who didn’t bother with something like that.
So my health was good and everything was fine and so I went. My dad, bless his heart, believed that he had caused the m/c by the pressure to attend which, of course, wasn’t true. But he and my mom felt guilty all the same.
I found it sad that I still had that hormonal stuff and still felt nauseous and STILL had to eat even though there was no baby there.
But, as you said, our little ones are with Jesus and some day we will see them again! My prayers and thoughts are with you and yours, my friend! Hugs and love!
Linda L. Martin says
I am so sorry for your loss. I have 3 babies in heaven. I hope that your writing brings you healing, and assures some other mother that she is not alone!
My heart breaks for you! I will hold you in prayer–that peace and grace will come to you when you need it.
Carolyn Y says
I came over from Pour Your Heart out. As soon as I saw your blog post title, I clicked. I had 2 miscarriages, and they are hard.
I hope you and your family are doing well.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage and believe me, my E.R. experience was not as good as yours. A good doctor and nurses are a real blessing.
I hope you will continue to find comfort during your journey.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom says
I am very sorry for your and your family’s loss. Best wishes for continued healing and comfort.
Leigh Powell Hines @Hinessightblog says
Popping over from Things I Can’t Say today. So sorry for your loss. I had to have an emergency D and C. I so know what you went through. That is terrible.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf says
I’m so sorry for your loss. Lots of love to you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. xo
Xiomara | Equis Place says
My heart and prayers are with you. I’m glad that your little one’s can offer some laughter in the midst of sadness. I’m also glad that your doctor came to help you out so you wouldn’t have to get a D&C. Recover quickly!
Bless you and your family. You are in my prayers xo
I am so sorry for your loss. I also went through a miscarriage. Very tough. And I remember all the blood :/ I also was close to a D&C but luckily I passed everything and stopped bleeding.
Judith at WholeHearted Home says
Thank you for sharing your story over at WholeHearted Home this week.
I think telling your story about your miscarriage is an important encouragement to others who have one. It is emotionally hard to go through no matter how many chilren you have.
I will be praying for you.
I think you are a very strong woman, i suffered 3 misscarriages last year and had to have 3 D&c’s due to the bleeding and hemmorraghing, it was insainly scary but i too am religious and believe everything in this life has meaning, i am now 29 weeks pregnant with a little boy who we say is already our little miracle, but everyday is a blessing and very scary at the same time, best of luck on your journey and recovery….. god bless