If you are just joining us and would like to start at the beginning go here:
Part 1: No Early Warning Signs
Part 2: I Chose not to Suffer Alone
The next two weeks went by slowly. I had morning sickness up until the last two days. It was tough to have to stuff myself with food in order not to throw up, knowing that the baby was gone and I was just making myself fat. I just tried not to dwell on it. With a house full of kids, life goes on. I had responsibilities. I had to keep going.
I was dreading going to church. People knew, and for that I was glad, but I was worried that they would show more compassion than I could handle right then. My husband and I help with the three-year-olds’ class during the second service, and I knew that if I lost my composure I’d never make it through. My four-year-old had her first concert that morning, and it didn’t go very well. Maybe this helped distract me from my own sorrow, but I was happy when I got through the first service. I went to my class thinking that I had probably made it through the tough part.
The lady helping us with the class asked with a happy smile, “So how are you feeling?” Instantly, I knew that she didn’t know. She was just asking me about the pregnancy. First of all, I didn’t want to cry, but second of all, I didn’t want her to feel bad for asking, so I steeled myself and in an emotion-free voice told her that we thought we lost the baby. The poor lady was so shocked! I tried to go on about our three-year-old business. In her shock and I’m sure because I seemed so aloof on the subject, she asked, “Isn’t this hard for you?” Leave it to me to find humor in the worst of circumstances. I laughed. “Yes, it’s hard, but I can’t cry if I’m going to take care of this class.” I chuckled and hugged her. Well, you know, the thing I had dreaded most happened, and it was fine. In fact, I remembered it and laughed about it all day. I needed that little bit of humor! God used this sweet lady to brighten my day.
If you would like to continue reading click here for Part 4: Letting Go and Going On.
It is great you can find humor in the grimmest situations!
You’ve gotta’ love ladies at church!
Ken Barnes says
I’m ignorant in these matters Esther (or would have folks believe I am) but if I had to wear your shoes, I do not believe I could be as brave as you seem to be.
I have friends who’ve gone through similar situations and I can’t even imagine how difficult the waiting would be. Heartbreaking. I admire your courage and honesty.
Patti Hanan says
Dear Esther, My heart is breaking for you right now. Miscarriage is unfortunately common, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. My daughter lost a baby this way, and she and I know that precious baby is in Heaven and we will meet him/her one day. I hope it comforts you to know that one day you will rejoice when you meet this precious baby in Heaven.
I’m sending love and prayers your way.
L. Eleana says
My heart goes out to you. You’re so strong. I admire you writing about this, it will definitely be a resource for many perspective moms and dads, and those of us with children.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Going through something like this is so very difficult. I am so proud of you for sharing your experience and having the strength to talk about it. I have no idea why some feel the need to suffer alone. There is such healing in being able to talk about it. I will be lifting you and your family up while you walk this difficult path.
Very touching story, and very brave of you to share it. I miscarried in my first pregnancy, and it was hard…much harder than I ever thought it would have been. Support is so important, and it sounds like you have that.
Jersey Diva Mom says
I can’t fathom the pain and the loss… and the cruelly surreal need to just carry on to get thru. I’ve recently had a friend lose a twin and need to carry on in such a way, with the other still in the womb. Her courage and yours in your respective circumstances amazes and inspires me. God’s love and peace to you!!!!!
Unplanned Cooking says
Such a heartbreaking loss. Thanks for sharing – so many go through what you have, and your story offers much support.
Lalas Pequenos says
It’s remarkable how strong our spirit ends up being in difficult situations. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thankyou for sharing your story with us all. Your faith & trust in God through it all is such a good example to me. The part where you said “Well, you know, the thing I had dreaded most happened, and it was fine.” reminded me of the Beth Moore study on Esther I’ve been doing at church. She was talking about fear & had a fill in the blank that said “If____ then ___” She said the second blank should be filled with God. Because even if the worst thing we can imagine happening happens, GOD will bring us through it. He will heal our broken hearts & help us continue to live the life he has planned for us. I pray God contiunes to heal & comfort you & that he will continue to use your willing, obedient, loving heart to minister to others. Lots of love to you & your family
Susan Evans says
Wow, that’s so incredible, how God enabled you to laugh in the face of pain, and that you made the poor woman feel comfortable besides. (Clap, clap, clap — I’m trying to give you a standing ovation. I was about to say, “Hey, this is a laughing blog, and this story is just so sad. What’s up with that?” Then at the end you had that humor, and then all was well with the world again. LOL!)
Susan Evans says
I would just love to add that you can go right ahead and write about painful experiences. They don’t have to be funny. This is your life, and being real is important. In a way, entering your pain helped me to get outside my own, and because there was resolution to your pain, in a way, it made my pain seem like it can heal. That’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it.
Janet Cruz says
Thank you for your story. In September of 2010 we lost our fourth child (well actually our 6th with the early losses) Glory at 19 weeks for no reason other than Gods will. It’s such a hard thing to go through especially when you have had no problems before. My first three pregnancies were worry free for the most part and then I had two miscarriages before 8 weeks and then the stillbirth of our precious Glory. But God taught me so much and just 10 days before the one year mark of our daughters passing we welcomed her sister Kaylahna which means adored one, glory. So we remember to glorify God in the good and bad.
My husband and I lost our 3rd baby the same way, he stopped developing. It was hard. We opted to miscarry naturally as opposed to getting a D&C. I remember being told, in a very matter of fact voice, by a coworker that the bear thing to do is for me to opt for a D&C. I refused to do that. I needed to go through this. I still had that tiny flicker of hope that my baby would be okay. And he is. He’s in God’s hands now.
I went through this with my first pregnancy. Even saw the heart beat at 6 weeks and then started bleeding at 10. 🙁 I had two girls after that and then another loss at 5 weeks followed by a little boy. The pain is still there, but I know if I hadn’t lost those two babies I wouldn’t have the ones I do have. God know what he is doing; even when I don’t!