If you would like to start from the beginning of my journey click here:
Part1 Losing my Baby: No Early Warning Signs
A friend on Facebook posted a quote that said something like, “Anyone can deal with a trauma, it’s everyday life that kills ya.” I tried but couldn’t find the exact quote. It has come to mind often in the last couple of weeks.
In dealing with the loss of my baby, I can be rational. There was nothing that I know of that I did to cause this, although I am tempted to feel guilty and to ponder all the “what ifs.” But in the midst of my grief, I understand that God is in control and that He loves me. I am sad, but I don’t feel angry or bitter. He will give me the grace I need to walk this road. This is a certainty.
But somehow the understanding and certainty don’t translate to everyday life like they should. A couple of days after I got home from the hospital, I was recovering and had finally fallen asleep. I felt like I was resting for the first time. My husband, who had been taking care of the children, came barging through the room and woke me up. I wasn’t very happy that he didn’t seem to care that he woke me up.
Then to entertain the kids, he invited all the kids in the neighborhood to play in the backyard–running and screaming right outside my bedroom window. I was really not happy! Hello! Remember me? I just had surgery! If he was going to entertain all the kids on the block, he could have at least taken them to the front yard where they wouldn’t have disturbed me. I may have been able to get over my hurt feelings if things had stopped there, but pretty soon he came panting into the room, telling me to get up and be ready when the pizza guy showed up because he was going to be in the back yard and wouldn’t hear the door bell. “Yeah, no duh!” I thought. I was livid!
In my husband’s defense, he really wasn’t trying to make me angry. I felt emotional and wanted him to understand and care how I was feeling. The rest of the day when he wasn’t taking care of the kids, he was doing homework or studying for his class. (He’s working on a Masters in engineering.) I begged him to spend time with me instead of doing homework, but he wouldn’t. As I lay there nursing my hurt feelings, I began to feel convicted about my attitude. I wanted to rationalize that I was the one that was sick, that he should be taking care of me, that I had a right to be angry. In the midst of those thoughts, all of a sudden I heard myself thinking all those “I’s” and “me’s” and realized how selfish I was being. Yes, he could have been more careful, more considerate, more caring. But he was doing all the work with the kids. He was figuring out all the meals. He was grieving too. Maybe he didn’t feel appreciated either.
I began thinking about the admonitions and promises in Scripture that aren’t just true in times of crisis or trauma, but in everyday life as well. The command to put my husband before myself, even when I’m hurting, is not cruel and pointless. It’s not just to bring God glory; it is for my GOOD! I can always trust God that His promise is true. So I was left with the question, was I willing to obey? Was I willing to trust God in the little things like I was willing to trust Him in the death of my baby? I wish I could say that I instantly repented one hundred percent and was transformed into a loving godly wife. Although I made some effort to correct my attitude, I also hung on to some of my selfish thoughts and hurt feelings that evening.
By the next day, however, I felt incredibly stupid and childish. Thankfully, my husband also came home from work with a changed attitude. You know what he told me? He said that the due date for the homework that he refused to put down was extended another two days. If he had put me first before another homework assignment like I had asked him to do, it would have worked out okay. He didn’t have to tell me that. I guess the Lord was working on his heart as well.
As always posts about my husband are posted with his blessing. 😉
If you’d like to read more about my journey click here: Losing my Baby: Hope and Contentment.
This post is linked to Wifey Wednesday, Women in the Word Wednesdays and Works for me Wednesdays.
Rosilind Jukic says
I am following you from GMGs Women in the Word Wednesdays. I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies, my first two before having my son last January. I understand those kind of feelings, they are normal when you deal with loss. What a great lesson, though – God is always faithful to use even the hard things in life to shape our character so we can be more like Him. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you recover.
Kara @ Home With Purpose says
What a beautiful post! It’s hard not to be self-focused when our emotions are so raw, but standing on God’s promises is what we need to do to make it through! I understand completely…I have four little ones in heaven. I’m praying for you and your family in your time of loss.
I’m not sure, but I think the quotation you opened with was from Ken.
I agree with the quotation, I enjoyed reading this even though the subject matter is difficult and it must have been hard for you to write as you did. It was courageous of you to do this. Hope things soon improve for you.
Kathleen@so much to say, so little time says
It is the little stuff that’s the hardest, but what you’re going through is definitely NOT little stuff. Nonetheless, I wince as I recognize myself and my husband in your portrait. Thanks for the reminder to step outside my own box of self-pity.
Shop with Me Mama says
I was stumbling and came across your blog and this post. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers hun!!!!! HUGS.
My heart connected with your loss. I have four children, all through adoption. I served as a moderator for Hannah’s Prayer, and online ministry that reaches out to couples who have experienced the loss of a child from conception through early infancy. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it brings understanding (and thus compassion) to even just one reader who might be better able to comfort a friend or family member in similar circumstances.
Wow! I read your whole story last night…I’m so sorry for your loss, and yet I’m inspired by your ability to rise above it. Praying for God to continue to bring you comfort!
You have such a beautiful family! 🙂
Renee Ann says
I saw a comment you made on someone else’s blog and linked to your site. Then I had to read your story. I joined through GFC and will be back to visit. May God give you peace as you journey through these days with a laugh on your lips! Blessings!
I followed you over to a few posts back from my meme ‘Through His Lens’. What a courageous women you are. I think the busyness of being a mom is what helps us to move on at times, ya know?
From what you wrote, sounds like your heart is soft, maleable, to the Spirit’s voice. Mine wasn’t when I was your age and I’ve had to deal with the consequences of my bad attitude and hard heart-not pretty. I know that I’ve been forgiven, but the consequences linger. Keep that tender heart towards the Lord and you will see the blessed fruit. My deepest condolenses on the loss of your baby! May our compassionate Physician minister to you until you are healed. Dropping by from your post on blogfrog. blessings on your day!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for you. I can, however, relate to feeling like my husband wasn’t being attentive enough when I was going through a difficult time, and realizing later how selfish I was being. It’s very hard not to stay focused on me when I’m not focused on God!
I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this. I can relate as well. My Husband and i miscarried about a little over a year ago. It was our first pregnancy and we were so excited. I’m so sorry for your loss. But look at all that you’ve gained! There is such wisdom that you displayed so well in this post. Thank you for sharing your heart, your story was very encouraging to me.
I came over to thank you for commenting on my blog and I started reading this story from the beginning. It really touched my heart that you were so open to God’s word when you were hurting so much. I had a miscarriage when I was 20 and it nearly tore me apart. It is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I wish I could say I handled it with half the grace you did.
I saw a post you put on blogfrog and decided to check your blog out. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your journey through such a tough period. May God continue to bless you and yours.
Elizabeth McCay Deckard says
I am new to your blog. Reading your posts have really opened my eyes to the faithfulness of God and those that are willing to follow Him and obey. It is clear that your faith has seen you through the worst of times. It is inspiring to read about one of His children turning to Him in her greatest time of need and being met there by a Savior that is loving and true. Thank-You for sharing your story. You have inspired me to go deeper with my own faith.
I have a lot to learn about putting my husband first as God intends. I think I’ll keep reading your blog and learn a little. 😉