If you are just joining us and would like to start at the beginning go here:
Part 1: No Early Warning Signs
Part 2: I Chose not to Suffer Alone
Part 3: The Agonizing Wait to Miscarry
The two weeks were finally over, and I went in to see the doctor for my second sonogram. Jason went with me, but we decided not to take the kids in for the sonogram again. There was no change in the baby. I could wait another two weeks to miscarry on my own, or I could schedule the D&C. My body was showing no signs of letting go, and the doctor thought that the chance of miscarrying on my own was slim. The thought of going through two more weeks like the previous two was just harrowing.
I scheduled the surgery for the next day, November 5th. I went in by myself, and Jason stayed home and home schooled the kids. I was comforted knowing so many people were praying. I was actually able to enjoy the time alone before the surgery. The next thing I knew, I was waking up from the anesthesia calling out, “I loved my baby.” I said that over and over. I did love my baby. I wanted my baby, but I had to let go.
Incidentally, I realized something else that I need to remember to thank God for–that my plumbing works! The hospital will not let you go home until you can in fact prove that your plumbing works. For three whole hours I tried to go. I had a nurses’ cheering section. I must have still been loopy from the anesthesia because they were all laughing at me. I’ve never been so happy be be able to use the bathroom. I think there were high fives all around.
On the way home from the hospital, my oldest threw up all over the van. So when we got home, I had to take care of her while my husband tried to clean up the mess in the van. The other three children, having missed their nap time, were at their worst. I had to separate them all until Jason could come in to help. But life does not stop for me and my pain and sorrow. Although at times I wish it would, I think there is comfort in the fact that I am needed and I have work to do.
I was reminded of this Calvin and Hobbs comic:
“Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.”
“That’s thoughtful of you.”
“See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ and on the inside it says, ‘Because my bed isn’t
made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?”
“Sure, I’m hungry too”
Life goes on…
If you would like to read more about what God is teaching me click here: Losing my Baby: Suffering is not License to be Selfish.
I am so sorry for your loss, but find your courage to share this very inspiring. I haven’t been on here in a while and had no idea. We’ll be praying for you!
Tammy Stelly says
I too have experienced the loss of a baby. We had three miscarriages in a two year span. My last was the worst and very devastating to me. But within a year, God turned my mourning into dancing with a beautiful healthy baby boy…which would complete our three children family. God will restore you…I can guarantee it!! I am praying for you and your little family. Be blessed.
Oh goodness-Having lost a baby and gone through the same surgery my heart goes out to you and your family. As Cristi said above- your courage to share your story is very inspiring- so often women keep these stories hidden Good for you- that you did not. Hugs & prayers coming your way:)
“…calling out, “I loved my baby.” ” That just brought tears to my eyes. Praying for peace and healing for you and your family.
Sarita Edgerton says
My heart broke reading this especially the line “I loved my baby”. I have never lost a baby due to miscarriage but with my last pregnancy, I bled every weekend from weeks 5-10. I would call and they would tell me that I was miscarrying and that I needed to come in on Monday and check things out. So for Saturday and Sunday, I mourned the loss of my child. On Monday, I went in and could see the baby on the monitor. This happened every weekend until finally I begged God to stop it that I couldn’t take anymore. My husband too cried out that he couldn’t mourn our child anymore. God did stop this problem but others came. So while I didn’t lose my son, for a brief moment I felt what it was like to lose a baby. Suffering brings about perseverance and perseverance, character and character, hope. HOPE never disappoints! Much love to you!
This is part of my ministry and there is a great Bible study called Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy. I think you can get it on Amazon.
Debbie Newell says
I just wanted you to know that I’m praying for you. I’m sorry for your loss. And I love you.
Kim Sharp says
Esther, thank you for sharing your story. It was touching. I’ve walked through several miscarriages of my sisters, but none of my own. I appreciate hearing your heart, because it helps me as I mourn with those who mourn. My sister’s baby from her most recent miscarriage would have been born this week. Bittersweet. But held in Jesus’ arms, with your little one. Praying for continued comfort.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss, may God Bless you and comfort you in a special way!
You continue to be in my prayers
In Christ’s Love
I went through that part about waiting for the plumbing to work after a totally different kind of operation. I’m so glad you could make the nurses laugh, but knowing you, not surprised. My nurses just grumped around wanting me out of there to make room for the next patient. They said my husband was outside waiting for me. I was in a lot of pain and I said, “Well, tell him to pray for me.” They just looked at me like I had lost my marbles and didn’t tell him anything.
I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful woman of God you have become. Love you so, Hugs and Prayers.
You are the only other person that I know that often finds encouragement “of sorts” in Calvin & Hobbes. The fact that God gave us humor is something interesting about His grace but certainly essential in going on in life.
I’m so Sorry for your loss! Big HUGS to you!
Just read your post about suffering and selfishness and decided to read all of the rest. When I got to the part about waking up from the anesthesia saying, “I loved my baby,” I broke down crying. All I could think was, “I wish I’d felt that way BEFORE I aborted my first.” I married that baby’s father a few years later and God blessed us with 3 more precious children. We mourned that baby for 20 years. When I gave my testimony about the abortion in front of my church, I felt a release from prison! God has given me more opportunities to speak about it and minister to others.
Somehow something good will come from this tremendous loss of yours because He is who He is-the gracious Lifter of our heads.
Our family loves Calvin and Hobbs. Thanks for lifting my head by sharing the C&H comic!
The Messy Mom says
Well, I have been crying my way through your story. Thank you for sharing, even though it may be difficult. It is very touching and I am sure you have helped other women who have gone through this or know someone close to them who has.
Thank you for sharing your story — May God bless you and your family!
I just read your blogs and I have gone through 5 miscarriages in 2 years. I have 2 sons but my husband and I really wanted a baby girl to complete our family. Reading your stories gives me some comfort that God will bless me with my 3rd child when it’s his will. God Bless You for sharing your moments with us.
Thank you for taking the time and courage to share your story. Mom’s everywhere need to hear from other Mom’s who also lost a child.
Thank you so much for sharing, Esther. We all handle the pain and sadness of miscarriage in different ways, but what is the same is the ache in our hearts.
I needed to read this today, Esther, not for the same reasons that you wrote it, but for a bigger reason. I complain too often about my aches and pains and how my husband doesn’t help, but life goes on and I only have one child to manage. God knows what he’s doing with me and I’m glad I came across this post so I can re-evaluate the way I’ve been living. Thank you.