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The two weeks were finally over, and I went in to see the doctor for my second sonogram. Jason went with me, but we decided not to take the kids in for the sonogram again. There was no change in the baby. I could wait another two weeks to miscarry on my own, or I could schedule the D&C. My body was showing no signs of letting go, and the doctor thought that the chance of miscarrying on my own was slim. The thought of going through two more weeks like the previous two was just harrowing.
I scheduled the surgery for the next day, November 5th. I went in by myself, and Jason stayed home and home schooled the kids. I was comforted knowing so many people were praying. I was actually able to enjoy the time alone before the surgery. The next thing I knew, I was waking up from the anesthesia calling out, “I loved my baby.” I said that over and over. I did love my baby. I wanted my baby, but I had to let go.
Incidentally, I realized something else that I need to remember to thank God for–that my plumbing works! The hospital will not let you go home until you can in fact prove that your plumbing works. For three whole hours I tried to go. I had a nurses’ cheering section. I must have still been loopy from the anesthesia because they were all laughing at me. I’ve never been so happy be be able to use the bathroom. I think there were high fives all around.
On the way home from the hospital, my oldest threw up all over the van. So when we got home, I had to take care of her while my husband tried to clean up the mess in the van. The other three children, having missed their nap time, were at their worst. I had to separate them all until Jason could come in to help. But life does not stop for me and my pain and sorrow. Although at times I wish it would, I think there is comfort in the fact that I am needed and I have work to do.
I was reminded of this Calvin and Hobbs comic:
“Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.”
“That’s thoughtful of you.”
“See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ and on the inside it says, ‘Because my bed isn’t
made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?”
“Sure, I’m hungry too”
Life goes on…
If you would like to read more about what God is teaching me click here: Losing my Baby: Suffering is not License to be Selfish.