Part 2: I Chose not to Suffer Alone
(If you’d like to start at the beginning go here Part1: No Early Warning Signs.)
I went to see my doctor on October 21st, excited to see the first sonogram of our baby. I was in the office with my husband and two youngest children. We were all looking expectantly for the picture of the baby on the screen. I have seen many sonograms, and from the first I thought it didn’t look right. The nurse kept trying different angles and measuring over and over as if she was just willing the baby to be alive. There was no heart beat and no evidence of blood running through the baby at all. It was such a shock. I was still very nauseous in the mornings and had absolutely no sign that things were not okay. The baby appeared to be eight weeks old and I was ten weeks along, so the doctor thought the baby probably died two weeks before, but she said she couldn’t be sure.
What went through my mind was, “God is good, and I may never understand, but He is in control, and He is going to work all of this out for my good and His purpose.” You know, out of all five pregnancies, I think this was the first time that my husband came with me to the first appointment. Even at the initial moment of shock and disappointment, I remember being very thankful to God for sending my husband with me. I am so glad that I didn’t have to face the news alone! Jason was so sweet. He took me out to lunch and was patient as we talked about our options. I chose to wait two weeks before going back for another sonogram in hopes that I would miscarry at home and not have to go in for surgery.
I called my mom and told her and asked her to please call the family for me. I just couldn’t bear the thought of explaining it all over and over. When I got home I wrote a note of the details and posted it on Facebook, and then I emailed a few people that weren’t on Facebook. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted everyone to pray. I didn’t want to face anyone asking me how the pregnancy was going and having to tell them that my baby died. I preferred that everyone already knew. I was unprepared for the overwhelming response of people that wrote or called and let me know they cared. My four-year-old wanted to comfort me too. She said, “It’s okay Mom. We can get another baby.” Aw. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, but every single comment and kind word meant so incredibly much to me! I was relieved that people knew. I was comforted that they were praying. I was not alone.
To continue reading click here for Part 3: The Agonizing Wait to Miscarry.
I went through the same thing with my first one. I was 24 weeks. I “delivered” at home and my husband cleaned the baby off and put him in a jar so I wouldn’t have to see it. We had to take the baby to the Dr so they could confirm. I wish we would have brought him back home to bury him. I truly feel for you and after 12 years, though I am better, it still hurts a bit when someone else goes through this. It is so hard to go through and even harder when people try to help. Especially other pregnant people. As hard as it was I drew strength off of their love. And off of Gods love…. I named the baby. Timothy. It helped. Thank you for sharing – I know your story will help others someday. You will be a great source of comfort, for you will know how to pray. I pray God will continue to bless you and fill your heart & arms with joy again. In His time.
i am so sorry that you are going through this. they say that one in five women has lost a baby, but at a conference recently, a speaker had everyone stand up who had lost a child, and at each table a full 3-5 (of ten) women stood–nearly half the room. my heart broke into a million little pieces, and every since then, when i nurse my sleepless babe at night, i pray for all the grieving families and empty arms. i have been praying for you even before i found you here.
grace and peace and healing
I just saw you on MBC. I wish I knew something more comforting, but I know God is with you. His grace heals. Prayers and best wishes!
Feeling sad for you. Praying as I read these posts….
When going through something like this…there are no words…to have family around you and lifting you up in prayer is exactly what is needed. Your “internet” friends are also praying. May He surround you with a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Suzannah, That is amazing. I can not believe how many women I know have told me that they have lost a baby and I never knew. I don’t know how people suffer alone without people knowing. It has been such a blessing and comfort to me to know people care and are praying. Thank you for sharing that with me!
Esther I am so sorry…I lost my first daughter when I was 8 1/2 months along…it is so hard still and she would be 21 this year on 12/27…things do get better and you will make it through this…keeping you and your family in my thoughts…
Dear Esther, I love you SO much! I’ve never been through this, but I can’t imagine the pain you felt! Thanks to God for his grace and mercy. I know you’re drawing on Him for this heartache. Life is so unfair sometimes. I know your faith can carry you through even though this doesn’t make sense. Love you!!
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you & your family!
Even though we do not know you… please know that your testimony (and it is) will help someone else… and no you don’t have to go through it alone.
-Shayla
Thanks for sharing…and you’re sure not alone. Our Dear Lord and Father is with you and all of us too my dear friend. I’ve been praying for you. Love you very much my dear Esther. 🙂
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Praying God’s comfort and grace for you…
oh, I am so sorry to hear this. Praying for your sweet family.
I love that you chose not to keep this to yourself. I know their prayers comforted you during this time and your sweet Jason was there every step of the way. You are a blessed woman!