This time of year I see so many dating ideas going around, and I think that’s great! But yes, I kissed dating goodbye. Sound kind of funny coming from a married woman?
I majored in Biblical Counseling at the small Bible college that I attended. So as a part of the program marriage was a huge topic. I studied what the Bible says about marriage issues as well as read lots of great Christian books on marriage. All of the books seemed to advocate continuing to date your spouse after you married. Well, I was completely on board with that duh! Of course I would want that. Who wouldn’t?
Well the first four years of our marriage it was just the two of us and we dated regularly. It was so easy and fun. I always wanted to keep it up. Then we had our first child and it became much more difficult, but we found the daughter of a friend from church who would babysit for $2 an hour so we occasionally went out, but definitely for all the big occasions. Then we moved to another state and had another child. Things weren’t so easy anymore. I would insist that it was important and my husband would reluctantly take me somewhere, but his heart was not in it.
Then I tried the old do it yourself method several times. I would plan a date, find a babysitter, and my husband’s only job was to show me a good time. Insert smile here. It was a good idea in theory, but again his heart wasn’t in it. I would find him watching the TV in the restaurant or catch him zoning thinking about work. Let’s just say after all the “work” I did to get us there I would be quite upset with the outcome.
After much frustration and pouty times of not feeling loved because my husband no longer took me on dates, I finally realized that my desire to date my husband (although it was a good desire) had become an idol of my heart. I was wrecking the peace and love we did share in attempt to have my own way. The Bible does not say, “Thou shalt regularly take your wife to dinner without the kids!” And so that’s when I decided to kiss dating goodbye! Instead of dwelling on the things I wished my husband did, I needed to dwell on all the great things that he does do and is. I find it a great practice to literally start listing all the things I appreciate about him when I’m wishing things were different. “Count your blessings!” And, well, if I’m honest I’m sure I don’t do everything he would wish either, but I’m thankful that he still loves me faults and all!
Through the years there have been occasions that made dating more convenient or times when he decided he wanted to do something with me, and then we have had a blast. But for the most part (Those old feelings do come rushing back at times.) whether we date or not I am content. We spend regular time alone together after we put the kids to bed and at this point in our lives that works for us.
Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not advocating that everyone quit dating. Ha ha! If you and your spouse have worked out how to regularly go out together and both of you enjoy and look forward to the time, then I think that is wonderful. How blessed you are in this area. Don’t ever stop!
Esther- I LOVE how you build Jason up in this post. You are an encouragement! I am so thankful the Lord has allowed our lives to intersect. 🙂
You know these dating talks can actually become a hinderance to joy. I agree that every couple should find what works for them and stick to it. For some it could be a walk, for others cuddling in the bedroom, and some for others watching TV together. The key word is being together… so I am with you on this Esther!
You are right, Esther. The whole key to happiness is to be thankful for whatever you have and not always be wishing for something different.
Our dates lately consist of exercising together. But you know what? It’s okay with me! We are together!
….maybe it’s because we have had 3 kids in 34 months, but I could never understand the reason people are so die hard about “dating your spouse”? (Of course we never dated before we were married either. Our “dates” consisted of eating supper at his parents on weekends…which we still do to this day) My husband makes it a point once a week to have a movie night in our room after the kids are in bed. I don’t really care for movies, but he seems to think that a date night at home (since we can’t afford anything else) is a must each week. I merrily go along with it.
Back to my point though, when DID it become the fashion to have dates????? last time I heard, before WWI, men worked outdoors and women worked indoors from sun up to sun down and their marriages never seemed to lack for togetherness.
Yes, I would like a day with no kids or responsibilities; but I am slowly becoming content with the fact we may never go on our first honeymoon or actually have a day together where we didn’t have responsibilities to accomplish before picking the kids back up.
Thank you for this post! I heartily agree, and I think that more people ought to hear this perspective! That’s not to say I don’t wish my husband and I could go out more 🙂
You are right, looking at all the wonderful things they do for us is a great, and important, place to start!
The first few years I was disappointed by Valentine’s Day and our anniversary when things didn’t go as I thought they should. I have learned that he shows me how much he loves me every day, but all the little things he does.
We do go out without the kids every couple weeks or so — we are lucky to have family near that can babysit… But honestly, we use that time to do errands normally, not really as a “date.”
After 26 years of marriage, I can attest that, just as there are seasons of life where there are ups and downs, so there are seasons of a marriage. I remember when our son was young, getting the opportunity to get away alone with my hubby was very rare (even though the times we are too busy/tired to make the time to go out are when we really need to do it). Now our son is a young adult and our schedule more open, so we do go out, just the two of us, and do fun things together more regularly. My advice: hang in there. Don’t give up on dating, but don’t make it the source of your joy, either. There is a season for all things and the regular dating may become a part of your life again someday.
In His Love, Ann @ Christ in the Clouds
The word date can be accompanied by all kinds of expectations. My husband and I were never able to apply the advice to have a weekly date night when our kids were young. We had rare date nights. After our last move, we decided that we needed to make spending time together a priority, so we try to have a weekly date night, but it might not look like a traditional date to everyone. In the wintertime, our date is often an evening on the couch visiting over a hot drink. In the summer, we often go out for walks or for ice cream. These activities meet our criteria of allowing us to enjoy one another’s company and that has been good enough for us.
I love the way you build up your husband in this. You’re right, it can be very easy to focus strictly on “dating” your husband and missing out on what truly matters in a marriage. For me, I don’t have regular dates with my husband. When we go out anywhere together, our son is with us. One on one time comes usually at home. thank you for sharing your story.
I can completely relate to this. I have spent years trying to get my husband to plan regular date nights with me and it just hasn’t happened yet. BUT, when he does plan something for us, he does an amazing job. One time it was an overnight trip to a nearby city and another time it was to see a play {yes, my husband enjoys going to plays}. So, it may not be an every week thing, but when he does plan them, he plans them well!
P.S. Stopping by from Time Warp Wife…
http://www.domesticblissdiaries.com
It’s definitely about being together and still knowing each other, rather than mom or dad 🙂 Honestly, most times we are quite happy to be able to sit in the same room with each other and not even be talking. Of course, kids haven’t come along yet either, so I know that in and of itself will make things change.
This is great–love the title! 🙂 With 4 litle ones and a tight budget, we have our date nights at home after the kids are in bed, visiting or watching a movie (when we’re not too exhausted!). Sometimes we’ll splurge and he’ll get me a piece of cheesecake from the nice restaurant in town, and something for himself…and it’s still an inexpensive date, but I love my one on one time with my man! Blessings to you and your family!
Esterirish, though you kissed dating goodbye, look on the other side of it..You have an awesome family now! 😀 Since my hubby and I are newly-weds, I savor each moment of dating. For sure, in the near future, we are gonna be busy with kids (I guess it’s alright If I also kiss dating goodbye then huh?…I’m just excited to have kids!) 😉
This is a wonderful post! My husband is the one who wants to date me, but I’m all about quality time.
What a great insight you had about your husband!
I absolutely love my date nights! But since we’ve not been able to have children, and our businesses have become our children, we are itching to go out on Friday night. It’s like our announcement to our bodies that they can slooooow down and the week has come to a close. Even though we both work 6-day weeks, there is something about Friday nights that we just live for (our own version of Friday Night Lights :)).
I thought you were going to do a review on the book, lol!
This is wonderful, Esther! I loved what you said here: “I was wrecking the peace and love we did share in attempt to have my own way.”
Picture us on a date with our husbands. Can you imagine stamping our feet and saying “We are going to have a good time even if it kills us!!!!” Lol!
We don’t have regular date nights either. Sometimes my hubby comes home tired and distracted. Sometimes he just needs to chill, but sometimes we will go somewhere spur of the moment. Sometime it’s only to the store, but we still manage to have fun!
Thank you for linking up to “Making Your Home Sing Monday!”
By the way, such a joy to have you link up again! 🙂
We are sort of the opposite…my husband wants to go out on date nights, and I’m such a homebody I’m happy with staying home and watching a movie on Netflix!
You have to do what works for you. Hubs and I need those regular dates to help us reconnect. But thankfully, we have good babysitters. That helps a lot.
For us, we TRY to get out once a month without or kiddo. But we also don’t pay for a sitter if we don’t have to. We simply trade nights with friends or take advantage of MIL if she’s in town (she lives 3 hours away). It doesn’t always happen and often times we reconnect better via quality couch time. We all have to what works best for us after all!
I never thought of it that way. I have spent a lot of time feeling “not right” because hubby and I could count the number of dates we’d been on since our marriage on one hand. Thank you for showing me a better way … to realize that I can be happy dating or not.
The last year or two though, with the kids getting a little older and our time freeing up some, we have been able to go on a couple “dates”…it’s almost felt like a guilty luxury. But we are as stronger now as a couple than we were at first, nearly 18 years ago.
This has given me a lot to think about. Like your marriage, I ended up planning all the dates, and I think my husband would have been equally happy being at home too. For logistical reason because of our family growing so suddenly from 1 to 4 kids, we haven’t been out alone together for over 6 months now. I can’t say it has been such a big strain on us missing those dates. We make it a priority to at least once a week watch a movie together on Netflix. And we have occasionally put all the kids in the gym’s childcare and just chat together in the gym’s cafe.
Thank you for sharing this because it’s something that has made me feel a little bit inadequate and not for the right reasons. I was always worried because I would hear of other friends and couples on the internet having regular date nights, and I would feel a little envy. Instead I should be looking at only us as a couple and realizing we are pretty content with the way things are.
Also, this is a stage in our lives when the kids are all young and the kids will grow older and couples will get more alone time together.
It all comes down to expectations. I love this post.
This post made me happy! I keep feeling like my husband and I *should* date, and that he *should* plan things, and we *should* go out and have fun. I even find myself getting grumpy that he doesn’t make this a priority. And then I laugh, because I kind of hate going out, ESPECIALLY when I feel I must. Oy. Thanks for bringing up this topic, and focusing on contentment and what works for particular couples at particular points in their lives. 😀
My husband and I have cycled through seasons of on again off again dating. I agree that connection is the most important part – date or no date. Although I do enjoy going out and eating with just my husband and being able to linger over conversations….Stopping over from Wifey Wednesday.