If you’re not dealing with anger in marriage from time to time, you’re probably not married! Two people living together as one, and trying to make decisions together will experience friction. How these situations are handled will result in either a deeper sweeter harmony or build up time and time again until the relationship is an ugly mess.
Sometimes we see how silly we’re being and burst out laughing. Those time are much more frequent than early in our marriage when we were still figuring each other out. Still, sometimes I get REALLY mad…
Everyone gets mad.
I was mad at my man. It doesn’t really matter why. I mean I could paint a pretty bad picture of him if I wanted to, but what would be the good in that? He could tell you things that would all be true and I would sound pretty awful too. There are always two sides. When you live with someone you see all of their faults, and they can really bug you if you let them.
Anyway, I was mad. I felt justified in my anger. I wanted to be mad. The way he was treating me wasn’t right. I played those things back over and over in my mind all day. When he got home I didn’t want to see him. I cooked his supper and was happy he needed to run errands after the kids went to bed.
It wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t right, BUT (I used that word in my mind quite a bit.) what he was doing wasn’t right, and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it! Struggling with all of these things in my mind that day, I felt convicted about my thoughts and attitudes, but I kept justifying them.
Don’t justify your anger.
You know what? There is no justifying them! Everyone had gone to bed. I stopped in my tracks in mid-stride as I walked across the floor. Why do I EXPECT things to run smoothly as I would want them? The answer was obvious: Because I’m living for me! Esther, life is not about you. I sat down where I was and poured my heart out to God, purposefully, doing these things:
Ask for Forgiveness.
First, of all I asked God’s forgiveness, because to be angry at how my life is going is really to be angry at God. It is blaming God for not giving me what would make me happy, as if I DESERVE better. What I deserve was paid for at the cross. Thankfully I will never get what I deserve.
Thank God.
Second, I thanked God. I thanked Him for my husband, and I listed all of the great things about him that I could think of. Yes, God has given me a great husband. I thought about women all over the world that really live in terrible situations. How blessed I am! How could I become discontent over such petty things?
Ask God for Help.
Next I asked God to soften my heart. In my own power I knew I would only ever harden my heart. I would just keep thinking about myself and how I had been wronged. Asking God to give me the grace to do what would please Him, I went to sleep at peace.
The next morning I woke up and prayed all those same things about my children. I struggle with anger toward them as well when things don’t go my way.
God softened my heart toward my husband and my children. I enjoyed my day with them. Each time I thought about my husband I pushed away the angry thoughts and thanked God for him, constantly listing in my mind the things I love about him.
When he came home, I was truly happy to see him. We had a wonderful evening and that night I was able to talk to him about the things that I had been angry about. I explained why they had hurt my feelings. You know what? He apologized, and told me that he shouldn’t have behaved the way had and asked for my forgiveness!
Keep dealing with anger in marriage
I thanked the Lord for loving me, for bringing me to my knees and showing me my sin. And I thanked Him for restoring my relationship with my husband…until the next time that I get really mad. And there’s the rub. Chances are we won’t master this on earth, but the more we keep doing the right thing the easier it will become. Married 22 years and still dealing with anger in marriage! When we fail, we have to get back up, make things right, and keep working. Who’s with me? 🙂
Letting go of anger is sooooo difficult! Good for you!
I have recently found myself in this position ALOT!! I have even posted about it a few times….and I did the same thing you did. I stopped short and said, “This is so not about you. You are being selfish and self-centered”. I, too, prayed and confessed my sinful attitude and asked for help to change ME (not my hubby or children). Isn’t it amazing how others respond when we take the initiative to fix ourselves? Taking a step back has never backfired on me. It actually makes the other party come back around. God is so good 🙂
Oh Esther. I was recently there. Only I didn’t hold back. Even though I KNEW calling him at work was the WRONG thing to do, I was so angry I just didn’t care.
I wish I had done what you did.
Thank you for this post…. just realizing that dicontentment equals my anger with God… wow. so true!
I love your blog, you make me laugh. But I do so appreciate when you share honestly on things that are no laughing matter. You are an inspiration, Esther. I applaude your honesty. 🙂
so refreshing to hear this. I don’t think wives talk too openly about disputes with their husbands. at the lvery least, that things aren’t perfect. My hubby is going through major midlifef crisis, and I made the mistake of suggesting we go out for a “date” dinner. We haven’t really been touching base with each other since. I’m in one of those moods where I just don’t want to see him at the end of the day, It’ will pass. But this is marriage. Especially when there are children in the mix. Let’s face it. Marriage is about the day to day. You need to rekindle the romance but life can be demanding and stressful and sometimes you just have to let each other go with the flow until you both can meet in the middle again. Glad you could.
Thanks for being so open! It’s great for the rest of us to read about your conflict and resolution, because ALL of us have been right there in your shoes. Bless you!
Thankfully, God is always with us to guide us in these things. We all go through this, and no matter how many years you’re married, anger is still there. You are very in tune with God to immediately know to talk to him.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your heart!
I can relate to this post, but like you, I always come to conclusion that I need to count my blessings and trust that my feelings fickle. I believe, God allows us to experience moments like these so we can better appreciate the blessings before us. Many couples often have perfect unrealistic expectations for the other spouse, but perfection doesn’t currently exist on earth so we have to take a few steps back and consider how we can learn from and improve the situation in the future. Wishing you all the best!
What a mature attitude. I can think of a couple of areas in my life where I need to stop whining or being perturbed and start counting my blessings too. Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks for this reminder of how destructive anger is in a marriage. I struggle with anger a lot and it always seems justifiable, but in the end I know I’m just acting spoiled and demanding. Next time I’m angry I’m going to try what you did here – hopefully I’ll remember to do it before I say anything hurtful.
Esther, I completely agree with your thoughts here. I’ve been there many times myself and am trying to overcome the heart problems that lead me to that place. Blessings to you and your family!
I know the joy of overcoming anger. It’s such a difficult and weighty thing to carry around. I rejoice with you. Thanks for such a raw and encouraging post.
I just found your Blog through “Heavenly Homemakers.” I really enjoyed your honesty in this post. It was refreshing. Marriage isn’t easy and I’ve noticed that more often than not, a lot of Christian women don’t speak out about their bouts with anger. We’re all human. We all get angry. And at our spouses too. <3 Been there, done that! Sometimes I've shut up and gone to God, while other times I let my mouth run and held onto my anger. It's an everyday journey. If we are faithful to repent, you're right.. God will reward us. I'm glad you had a good evening with your hubby. <3
Esther,
As I’ve been reading through your blog this evening, I’ve been noting so many similarities between your stories of life with your husband and family and my own experiences, both good and bad. You make a lot of sense, and I thank you for that! God bless you!
I enjoyed reading this again. I can’t imagine there isn’t a wife who has not had a similar experience. Everyone’s husband is not going to sit down and listen and try to straighten it out. We who have husbands who do are really blessed. And the principles are still the same.
I find that the best thing I can do sometimes is to recite “Put a guard over my mouth O’ Lord” that seems to work…sometimes haha!
Letting go of anger is so difficult. I just got mad to my husband today. But your article is timely. As Godly wives, we should always have a quiet and gentle spirit… ALWAYS. Thanks Esther! 🙂 God bless you and your family!
I love your commitment to one another. One of the things that’s helped me so much in my marriage is not allowing myself to get angry. I’m not saying I hold in my feelings; quite the contrary. I’m an open book and incredibly honest with my husband. But what I’ve found is anger is generally a mask for a much more vulnerable emotion (hurt, fear, sadness, disappointment) and so I always strive to remain in the vulnerable emotion and not allow it to be masked by the more aggressive emotions.
Don’t know if that would have helped in this situation but it’s worked wonders the past 10 years with my hubby and me. Sometimes it takes a pretty big dose of humility to remain in that vulnerable state but when it’s all over, I’m so happy I did. Cheers to you, Esther!
I am pretty sure we have all been there. May the Lord give us grace to not think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think– that’s in Romans 12. Thank you for the sermon. Your Daddy would be proud of it but don’t know if I want to show it to him. Admit my faults? Oh but that’s part of what you are talking about. You are right!