The automatic question people ask after finding out that we are expecting another baby seems to be, “Are you excited?” That is a tough question to answer for me right now. And since the question is usually just asked in passing, there really isn’t opportunity to explain even if I wanted to. I guess I could answer either yes or no and be truthful. Sometimes I hear myself answering, “No, not really,” and then I see the frowns on people’s faces as they walk away.
I will be very excited to bring home a baby this next winter! But do I feel excited right now? No, not really. After having a miscarriage, there is a realization that things may not all end like I hope they do. I will never be able to take a pregnancy for granted again. I wonder often if my baby’s heart is still beating. That’s not to say that I’m sitting around fretting and anxious. I know that it’s in the Lord’s hands and that He will give me the grace to handle whatever He has in store for me when the time comes.
Yet on the flip side, I am not jumping up and down excited either. I am happy. I am content, though I am feeling sick and exhausted all of the time, too. I don’t think my lack of excitement is a sinful lack of trust in God, though I can see how people might draw that conclusion. I am simply resting, waiting, knowing that I will have to be content no matter what tomorrow may bring.