If you would like to start from the beginning of my journey click here:
A friend on Facebook posted a quote that said something like, “Anyone can deal with a trauma, it’s everyday life that kills ya.” I tried but couldn’t find the exact quote. It has come to mind often in the last couple of weeks.
In dealing with the loss of my baby, I can be rational. There was nothing that I know of that I did to cause this, although I am tempted to feel guilty and to ponder all the “what ifs.” But in the midst of my grief, I understand that God is in control and that He loves me. I am sad, but I don’t feel angry or bitter. He will give me the grace I need to walk this road. This is a certainty.
But somehow the understanding and certainty don’t translate to everyday life like they should. A couple of days after I got home from the hospital, I was recovering and had finally fallen asleep. I felt like I was resting for the first time. My husband, who had been taking care of the children, came barging through the room and woke me up. I wasn’t very happy that he didn’t seem to care that he woke me up.
Then to entertain the kids, he invited all the kids in the neighborhood to play in the backyard–running and screaming right outside my bedroom window. I was really not happy! Hello! Remember me? I just had surgery! If he was going to entertain all the kids on the block, he could have at least taken them to the front yard where they wouldn’t have disturbed me. I may have been able to get over my hurt feelings if things had stopped there, but pretty soon he came panting into the room, telling me to get up and be ready when the pizza guy showed up because he was going to be in the back yard and wouldn’t hear the door bell. “Yeah, no duh!” I thought. I was livid!
In my husband’s defense, he really wasn’t trying to make me angry. I felt emotional and wanted him to understand and care how I was feeling. The rest of the day when he wasn’t taking care of the kids, he was doing homework or studying for his class. (He’s working on a Masters in engineering.) I begged him to spend time with me instead of doing homework, but he wouldn’t. As I lay there nursing my hurt feelings, I began to feel convicted about my attitude. I wanted to rationalize that I was the one that was sick, that he should be taking care of me, that I had a right to be angry. In the midst of those thoughts, all of a sudden I heard myself thinking all those “I’s” and “me’s” and realized how selfish I was being. Yes, he could have been more careful, more considerate, more caring. But he was doing all the work with the kids. He was figuring out all the meals. He was grieving too. Maybe he didn’t feel appreciated either.
I began thinking about the admonitions and promises in Scripture that aren’t just true in times of crisis or trauma, but in everyday life as well. The command to put my husband before myself, even when I’m hurting, is not cruel and pointless. It’s not just to bring God glory; it is for my GOOD! I can always trust God that His promise is true. So I was left with the question, was I willing to obey? Was I willing to trust God in the little things like I was willing to trust Him in the death of my baby? I wish I could say that I instantly repented one hundred percent and was transformed into a loving godly wife. Although I made some effort to correct my attitude, I also hung on to some of my selfish thoughts and hurt feelings that evening.
By the next day, however, I felt incredibly stupid and childish. Thankfully, my husband also came home from work with a changed attitude. You know what he told me? He said that the due date for the homework that he refused to put down was extended another two days. If he had put me first before another homework assignment like I had asked him to do, it would have worked out okay. He didn’t have to tell me that. I guess the Lord was working on his heart as well.
As always posts about my husband are posted with his blessing.
If you’d like to read more about my journey click here: Losing my Baby: Hope and Contentment.